SOURCE: Smiling is now a 15 yard penalty in the NFL


Roger Goodell is serious about making the NFL into a league of professionals, and is severely cracking down on taunting. No one is sure why he wants to turn what’s supposed to be a fun game into something akin to watching paint dry, but odds are his answer will involve the words “player” and “safety.” He’s added numerous unsportsmanlike conduct penalties, and according to a source, part of those rule changes is that smiling will now be a 15 yard penalty. If anyone so much as cracks half a smile about anything, it’s an immediate 15 yard penalty.

It doesn’t matter what it’s about. Smiling at that hot girl in the stands? You get caught, it’s 15 yards. Coach smiling because Peyton Manning just threw a 99 yard TD pass? 15 yards, and the down will be replayed. You thought John Fox screwed Peyton Manning over LAST YEAR? Just wait. The source says that Roger Goodell feels like smiling is too much like you’re possibly laughing at your opponent, which might hurt their feelings. The NFL is about making everyone feel good. Even the Jaguars, we don’t anyone mocking them for getting destroyed every week. (The check is in the mail Roger.)

Roger wants a league of men that are well equipped to transition from football to become an accountant, attorney, insurance salesman, or whatever other boring no personality white collar type job you can think of. Most of them aren’t actually smart enough to do this type of work, but Roger wants them to feel like they can. Remember: it’s all about feeling good. The NFL is an educational league, that teaches boys how to become professional men. Whoever started this “football is entertainment” nonsense was clearly out of their mind.

Eventually Roger wants each player to carry business cards. That way when they’re on the field with all these other men, they can be networking and exchanging business cards like everyone else does. So when Adrian Peterson scores on a long run, he’ll immediately hand the ball and his business card to the ref and say “Call me. Let’s do lunch next week. I’d love to talk marketing strategy with you. Add me on LinkedIn.” That’ll certainly make the RedZone channel a lot more interesting, won’t it? It’ll be like watching a business meeting for 6 hours. Exciting!

Remember: it’s about professionalism and protecting the shield. Oh, and player safety, we have to fit those words in. So don’t worry about these changes, be happy someone like Roger is aggressive enough to implement them. But don’t be too happy. That’s a flag.

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