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REPORT: Ball drop experts Welker, Wallace, Bess will be in New York
- Updated: December 31, 2013
New Year’s Eve means one thing: drunken debauchery. Okay, maybe it means two things: a big ball dropping in New York as well. This year, Times Square officials are making sure they don’t have any problems. They don’t want to expose people to Ryan Seacrest for any longer than they have to. So they’re bringing in some ball drop experts from the NFL to help out.
According to a report,
The Hobbit Wes Welker of the Broncos, Mike Wallace of the Dolphins, and Davone Bess of the Cleveland LOLs (they’re experimenting with a new name for the Browns, fits well) will be on hand in Times Square to make sure there are no problems before midnight strikes and rings in yet another year for the Cubs to miss the World Series. There were others considered, but after several dozen dropped calls to guys like Lee Evans, they settled on these 3.
What do the players think of this illustrious honor? ”I’m excited to ring in the New Year and share my expertise with balls hitting the ground,” said Wes Welker. “It’ll be a good refresher course for the playoffs.” Mike Wallace was supposed to text his quote to us, but sadly dropped his phone in a sewer trying to send it. It’s reportedly his 14th phone in the past year. What a shame. Davone Bess: “I just want to do my job so the ball doesn’t get stuck and we ended up having to call Chief Wiggum.”
Wiggum: “We’ve never lost a year before, and i’ll be damned if we’re going to lose one on my shift.”
Welker, Wallace, and Bess weren’t the only ones considered. Colts WR Darrius Heyward-Bey was reportedly at the top of the list, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. According to sources, he kept dropping the phone trying to answer. DHB reportedly keeps his phone in a solid metal case so it can withstand the abuse of being dropped 58 times a day. One of this year’s NFL league leaders in drops, Bears WR Brandon Marshall, was considered, but he’s still laying on the Soldier Field turf.
“I was so close to the Pl…Place…Plate…Play…what’s the word again?”
With the help of Welker, Wallace, and Bess everything should run nice and smoothly with the ball drop in Times Square. If only they could be paid to help drop balls every night, instead of once a week for 4 months like they are now. Then they’d really be set. Just whatever you do, don’t ask them to hold a baby.
Happy New Year!