2013 MLB Mock Draft

1) Astros – Walder Frey

They hold the worst home record in the league.  It’s time to get tough on their guests and no one is tougher on their home turf right now than Game of Thrones’ Lord of the Crossing and head of House Frey.

2) Cubs – Goat Boy

They’ve tried plenty of other goat-related gimmicks. Why not take a chance on an SNL character whose cultural relevance predates even that of Steve Bartman.  Could even fill in in LF when Alfonso Soriano haz teh sadz.

3) Rockies – Kai the Hitchhiker

If the drifter can swing a bat like he swings a hatchet, he could quickly crack the lineup.  Colorado also has the luxury of minimizing the dollar value on the contract by loading it up with pot- and Doritos-based incentives.

4) Twins – Zach Parise

The only good players the Twins have come from hockey territories Minnesota (Mauer) and Canada (Morneau). The Twins will try to stick with the only formula that seems to work and hope Parise, like he did for the NHL’s Wild, can get the franchise back to a level of success they are accustomed to: losing in the first round of the playoffs.

5) Indians – Charles Ramsey

The local hero who helped discover girls who had been kidnapped as many as 11 years earlier is brought in to try to find a postseason berth that Cleveland has been missing since 2007.

6) Marlins – Tim Tebow

Some professional sports team in Florida has to give him a chance eventually. Would provide a much needed attendance boost and should improve the infield defense by throwing them ground balls during practice drills.

7) Red Sox – Troy Sanders

It’s not uncommon for teams to draft players that are the product of a strong lineage (i.e. Ken Griffey Jr, Prince Fielder). The Sox follow suit by selecting the great grandson of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders.

8) Royals – H.G. Wells

If there was ever a team in need of a time machine, it’s the Royals, who may actually be closer to their last playoff berth (1985) than their next one.

9) Pirates – The Beach Boys

The way this team tends to choke away a strong start to the season, they’ll take anyone who is still performing into August & September.

10) Blue Jays – Michael Moore

The Blue Jays are on to something: there are a lot of teams better than them, so there must be a lot of teams cheating. Who better to dig up those conspiracy theories? Additionally, if he manages to hit his weight, he’s a steal at 10.

11) Mets – Dr Oliver Freudenreich

Any team that follows a sweep of the Yankees by getting swept by the Marlins needs help from someone with a background in Schizophrenic care from Massachusetts General Hospital.

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