5 storylines to watch during the 2013-14 NBA season


1. Can the Heat 3-peat?

All eyes will be on LeBron James as he strives to single-handedly (with the help of roster full of Hall-of-Famers who will get zero credit) win his third NBA Championship in four years since signing with Miami. Joining the team this year is former #1 overall pick Greg Oden, who the Heat medical staff say has a good 300-400 jumps in his legs before they evaporate into a colorless, odorless gas similar to methane. Another crucial element of the Heat’s success this year is Dwyane Wade, who according to sources may sit out back to backs to preserve his health. He may also sit out Saturday games, West Coast games, any game tipping off later than 9 AM and every major holiday game.

2. Sucking For Wiggins

The prize to the franchise that sucks the hardest this season will be a 6’8” small forward and projected #1 overall pick, Andrew Wiggins. Although nobody will admit it, many teams will be tanking on purpose for a chance at winning the NBA Lottery this season. For example, sources tell us that the Philadelphia 76ers are planning on cutting their entire roster and going to war this year with zero players. “It’s purely a financial move and has nothing to do with Wiggins,” a team spokesman said. “We feel good about the makeup of our roster.”

3. Stern’s Last Stand

Long time NBA Commissioner is slated to step down on February 1st, 2014, succeeding his position to Deputy Commissioner and Chief Operations Officer Adam Silver. Many are speculating on what final mark Stern intends to leave on the NBA. Rumors from his inner circle believe that Stern will pass a rule effective February 2nd, 2014 that states: “LeBron James is no longer required to dribble the basketball, and is allowed three referee homicides each season.”

4. Dwight Howard’s Home?

As is this case with each and every NBA season, nobody can predict what team Dwight Howard will end up with at the end of this year. The only franchise you can guarantee he won’t be a part of is the Houston Rockets. This may be the season that Dwight Howard demands a trade to a new earthly body, perhaps that of Scarlett Johansson or Emelio Estevez.

5. Jason Kidd’s Coaching Debut

The Brooklyn Nets were able to build an expensively talented roster this off season, but curiously hired Jason Kidd as head coach, who remains their X-Factor. “How could they hire a rookie coach <burp> that don’t know nothing about <burp> anything or nothing,” a drunk Jason Kidd slurred during a press conference Monday. “Who’s got a Coors Light? This is gonna be a long season.” Kidd will miss the first two games of the season due to a suspension that dates back to a drunk driving incident last year. Kidd finished his playing career last season by failing to score a field goal in eight straight playoff games, presumably playing with a blood alcohol level of 1.48.

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