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NOTSportsCenter’s revised Final 2013 NFL Mock Draft (First Round)

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Everyone and their mother does a NFL Mock Draft, so NOTSportsCenter did one too. (Our mothers didn’t though. Sorry.) All kinds of things get drafted in our mock draft, including: real players, fake players, a generic position that could be anyone that plays it, people that don’t actually play football, movie/TV stars and even inanimate objects. It’s a First Round Mock Draft with plenty of mocking. Enjoy!

1. Chiefs: A new bench for Alex Smith, Home Depot

The talk for Kansas City is that they’ve needed some protection for Alex Smith’s blindside and to help him feel more comfortable. What better than a nice new comfy bench to protect his butt and help him relax his cares away after being benched in mid-season again?

2. Jaguars: K Dustin Hopkins, FSU

Last year the Jaguars made a lot of headlines by drafting a punter in the 3rd round. This year, they take it one step further and draft a kicker #2 overall to pair with him. And now Florida State can brag about being the only school with 2 first round kickers while no one else has any. Now THAT’S an accomplishment.

3. (TRADE) Jets: CB Leon Sandcastle, NFL Network

You know the Jets can’t resist making a big public splash, so they trade 4 first round picks (including #9 and #13 overall this year) to Oakland for the #3 overall pick to draft Leon Sandcastle. Sandcastle may actually be 45 years old or not even exist at all, but he’s still going to be the most talented player on this defense regardless.

4. Eagles: DE Icant Tackle, YMCA

Philadelphia has been revamping their defense, dumping some of the older players for some younger talent, and who would be a better fit than Icant Tackle. Icant’s got Philadelphia Eagle written all over him, just look at his name. The fact that he went to “college” at the YMCA just makes it even more perfect.

5. Lions: INMATE #333734, Cell Block D

No, Detroit isn’t drafting someone from jail, they’re drafting someone who will end up in jail. So therefore we’ve left off his personal information like name and school and given you his future inmate number and cell block location. Because it doesn’t matter who it is, this will be his fate. Hope he’s got a good lawyer.

6. Browns: WR Rover, Obedience School

Rover sounds like a great name for a WR and a dog. In this case it’s both. We feel Cleveland will become the first in NFL history to draft a dog out of obedience school and start him at WR. He may have the best hands they’ve ever had there. And imagine what he could do as far as chasing down interceptions? Awesome.

7. Cardinals: OT Traffic Cone, Driving School

Arizona’s offensive line got about 40 QBs killed last year (and yet no arrests, amazing), so they address it by drafting the stud Traffic Cone out of Driving School. He’ll step in at LT right away and likely provide the most resistance they’ve had in years at the position.

8. Bills: QB Future Bust, Doesn’t Matter University

It won’t matter who the QB they draft is, once they call his name…his name will change to Future Bust.  He’ll suddenly think his receivers are opposing cornerbacks, he won’t be able to stand on his two feet without tripping, and at some point he’ll line up behind a tackle and try to get him to “snap the ball.”

9. (TRADE) Raiders: QB Future Bust (that Buffalo didn’t take), Doesn’t Matter University

It really doesn’t matter who the QB is,  much like the Bills, we all know once the Raiders draft him, you can basically kiss his career goodbye. It could be anyone from Geno Smith to Uncle Rico to Joe Montana junior, once his name is said after “And the Oakland Raiders select…” it’s over. He’ll become addicted to some drug before the draft ends.

10. Titans: Rosetta Stone- English edition, Rosetta Stone University

After so many years of Chris Johnson speaking whatever language it is that he speaks now, finally the Titans will say enough is enough and draft a copy of the English edition of Rosetta Stone for him. Will he use it? Will it help him on the field? Remains to be seen. Major boom or bust potential with this pick.

11. Chargers: WR Tavon Austin, West Virginia

With Failip Rivers at QB, you can never have enough speed at QB. Tavon Austin becomes a major weapon for San Diego, as he can use his blazing speed to chase down all those interceptors of Mr. Rivers. That’ll help their defense out big time. Plus Rivers’ face often looks like Tavon Austin’s Wonderlic score, so it’s a natural fit.

12. Dolphins: CB that will forget what his hands are for, Doesn’t Matter University

The Dolphins go for CB help. But when this corner takes the field, suddenly he won’t remember what to do with his hands. He’ll walk around the field with his hands in his pockets, meanwhile the WR he’s supposed to be covering will pile up 600 yards and 8 TDs. That’s Miami Dolphins football.

13. (TRADE) Raiders: WR Usain Bolt, Jamaica

The Raiders use their 2nd pick acquired from the Jets and go for their favorite thing in the world: world class speed with 0 actual football ability. It’s one of the ways they can make sure whoever the QB is they take (with the first pick from the Jets) will be the Future Bust we all expect him to be.

14. Panthers: Nate, Play 60

It’s only fitting that Carolina drafts the Play 60 kid so that he can become Cam Newton’s mom’s favorite player. And after that happens, the Panthers can trade Cam and his tears and suggestion box to a team that needs a QB and wants to deal with him. Maybe to Arizona. They’re used to plenty of tears.

15. Saints: “How to play defense for dummies”, New Orleans Public Library

New Orleans goes off the board slightly at 15, opting to pass on drafting a quality defender and instead opting to draft a book that can hopefully help the team figure out what the word “defense” actually means. None of them even know. Figuring that out would be a nice start.

16. Rams: LB Manti Te’o, Notre Dame

The Rams are the ones to take the chance on Te’o. They watched his National Championship tape, saw all his missed tackles, and that actually made them like him MORE. St. Louis figures they’re going to miss tackles anyway, they might as well do it in a flashy way that gets them talked about again. This is that way.

17. Steelers: T Very Big White Guy, Texas A&M, Central Michigan, or Oklahoma

Amazingly, after everyone expected a run on big white guys at the top, we get to 17 and none of them have been taken. So the Steelers draft one of the three big white guys and help protect Big Ben both on the field, and off the field during his usual off-season activities like crashing college Spring Break to “pick up chicks.”

18. Cowboys: Joe the Bus Driver, Driving School

Dallas’ most noteworthy acquisition of the off-season was a new team bus, so they need a driver for that bus. They go with Joe here over Tim after Joe flashed special speed in the 40 yard bus drive. Joe also narrowly edges out a new glasses cleaner for Jerry Jones, but Jerry feels they can land him with their 2nd round pick. Jerry knows football!

19. Giants A set of braces for Michael Strahan, Dental School

Like the Titans, the Giants say “enough is enough” and draft some braces for Michael Strahan. He doesn’t even play for them anymore but they’re tired of seeing his big gap every morning with Kelly Ripa. Who can blame them? The on-field impact may be minimal, but the off-field impact could be tremendous with this one.

20. Bears: LB that will be compared to Brian Urlacher 24 hours a day for life, Doesn’t Matter University

Now that they’ve broken up with Brian Urlacher, the Bears move on and draft a new MLB. But like old gf to new gf, the comparisons will begin. And never stop. Ever. “The new LB sleeps 9 hours a day, Urlacher only slept 8. Does this give him the advantage and make him a better player?” #EmbraceDebate

21. Bengals: Sam the Weed Dealer, LSU

LSU gets their first draft pick and it’s not an actual football player. It’s Sam, who pushed out $130,000 in weed sales last year. That’s a huge boost for a Cincinnati team whose black market presence was greatly effected by the loss of Jerome Simpson. They get it back here.

22. Rams: Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, Fake voice university

When you draft Manti Te’o you have to follow up with his favorite person in the world. That way Ronaiah can keep Manti happy by creating as many fake people/girlfriends as he needs. With Manti and Ronaiah, the Rams finally have the greatest show on turf again: the greatest freak show on turf.

23. Vikings: A cadaver, Minneapolis morgue

At this point Minnesota has stopped fighting that the idea that they can support Peterson. Sure they signed Greg Jennings, but we all know it’s going to be all Adrian Peterson. Especially if he wants 2,500 yards. So here they draft a corpse so they have replacement body parts in case he needs them.

24. Colts: A defender that will be a bust because he’s “not as good as Luck”, Doesn’t Matter University

A year after Luck the Colts go defense. But Luck and his 11 first year wins have set the bar pretty high. So no matter what this guy does, fans will whine that he’s a bust unless he gets 11 more wins this year. And the only way he does that is if Goodell says “Okay today we’re making the season 37 games. For player safety.”

25. Vikings: Another cadaver, Minneapolis Morgue

This pick was Seattle’s but they loved them some migraines so now Minnesota has a 2nd pick. And they go right back to the morgue and draft a 2nd cadaver. Now they’ve got all kinds of backup body parts they can either save or just go ahead and put on Peterson. Can you imagine Adrian with 6 legs? Scary.

26. Packers: A RB they’ll never use, Doesn’t Matter University

Green Bay recognizes they have a need at running back, so they’ll draft one. He’ll be in the starting lineup and people will call him a “sleeper” in fantasy. Then the season will come and Rodgers will throw 9343429 times and the new toy at RB will be asleep on the bench. At least he’s getting paid to sleep on the bench.

27. Texans: WR Katherine Webb, Auburn

Houston’s always been looking for a WR to take away the focus from Andre Johnson. Who better than the one person who took all the focus away from the BCS title game? The Texans draft Katherine Webb and line her up as a decoy WR on every play. Then while all 11 defenders try to “cover” her, Houston scores a million points. And still loses in the playoffs.

28. Broncos CB Tyrann Mathieu, LSU

Denver could use a corner, so they take a chance on the Honey Badger. The moment Tyrann finds out he got drafted to the team in Colorado he says “screw rehab” and starts smoking again. And never stops. Honey Badger goes on to be the most dominant corner in NFL history, and the only one to ever spend over $1,000,000 at Taco Bell.

29. Patriots: CB that Bill Belichick will cut right after he’s signed, Doesn’t Matter University

The Patriots need secondary help, so they’ll draft a CB. Then because he’s Bill Belichick and these are the kinds of things he does, he’ll cut him 5 minutes after he signs his rookie deal. It won’t matter who the corner is, and he won’t have a reason, but he’ll do it anyway. Then they’ll continue to suck on D and wonder why.

30. Falcons: Life Alert Button, Life Alert

It took some begging and some pleading but the Falcons got Tony Gonzalez back. And now that he’s back they have to be very careful with him. Old people are delicate, you know. So they draft him a life alert button, knows there’s a good chance he’ll fall at some point and can’t get up. Seems like a pretty safe pick.

31. 49ers: A binky, Babies-R-Us

When you have a lot of picks like San Fran does, you can afford to go off the board with a few of them. Here the 49ers decide like everyone else that they’re tired of Jim Harbaugh’s crying, so they draft him a shiny new binky to put in his mouth every time he gets fussy during a game.

32. Ravens: Freddy Krueger, Elm Street

And finally, the Ravens finish the first round by drafting the NFL’s new nightmare Freddy Krueger, to replace the NFL’s old nightmare: Ray Lewis. Who better to replace a legendary killer than another legendary killer. You thought WRs were scared to go across the middle before, just wait till they see Freddy.

 

There you go, there’s our first round Mock Draft. We’ll probably be more accurate than Mel Kiper or Todd McShay.

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