2014 MLB Draft Review: Manziel, Mariano & More


The 2014 Major League Baseball draft recently concluded with approximately half of the worlds 17-24 year old males having been selected. It took 28 rounds for a player to be selected that anyone recognized. Naturally, that person does not actually play baseball.

Commissioner Bud Senile Selig spent day one announcing the picks and struggling to keep track of what year it is.

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(Instagram video courtesy itsalwayssunnyindetroit via Awful Announcing)

The first round featured 34 players being selected, the most likely of which to have a successful Major League career is Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Touki Toussaint. We have come to this conclusion based on the scientific process known as “drawing a name from a hat”, which is slightly more accurate than the analysis given by the talking heads huddled into the two-stall garage MLB Network uses as the studio where the draft is held.

The first dozen rounds saw 19 different teams attempts to draft various members of the Houston Astros, confusing them for a high school baseball team.

In the 28th round, the San Diego Padres – showing the entire world once again that they still do not have a grasp on the concept of baseball – drafted quarterback Johnny Manziel out of Texas A&M. They really should have known better. Cleveland Browns quarterbacks never have any success outside of Cleveland. In fact, they never have any success in Cleveland either.

The Padres were not done, however. Later in the draft, they doubled down on drafting popular athletes from other sports.

The New York Yankees drafted a Kenny Powers look-a-like out of West Virginia in the 14th round in hopes that HBO might pick up a series about him and the team, which would be the best chance for people to get to see the Yankees on TV in October.


With the 872nd pick, the Yankees selected Mariano Rivera III, son of their legendary former closer. Keeping with that trend in the very next round, they chose a specimen jar filled with Derek Jeter’s semen.

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