A look at some rules from the official NBA Rulebook

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: April 20, 2014

NBA officials are often criticized for how poorly they perform, but there are some rules they’ve been following that might surprise you. Yes, they actually follow rules and don’t just make up calls on the spot. Although that is a rule too.

NOTSC got a look at some the of the updated rules in Adam’s Silver NBA rulebook, and these actually make Joey Crawford seem like he knows what he’s doing after all. Sort of. He’s no longer just David Stern’s slave (although he his on weekends, but that’s a story you really don’t want to hear.)

OFFICIAL NBA RULES

Rule 1: Anyone who touches LeBron James is to be charged with attempted first degree murder and immediately sent to death row

Rules 2-30: See Rule 1

Rule 33.3.5 (B): Travelling is only called as a joke just to see how the players react when it’s actually called on one of them or their teammates.

(Note: if you call this on LeBron, you will be fired immediately. Before the game even ends.)

Rule 38.6.1 (A): Any defensive player who is within 5 feet of anyone who has ever received a vote for MVP has automatically committed a foul.

(B): Any defender who whines about this foul call will be automatically ejected, fined, and suspended.

Rule 44.2.6 (E): A flagrant foul is any foul that looks really bad or causes the entire crowd to groan after it has happened (reviews to see how bad it looked on TV are allowed).

Rule 47.6.1 (B) Anyone that whines for a foul call who has received a vote for MVP automatically receives a foul call on the next possession even if they aren’t in the game.

Rule 56.1.7 (G): Jumpballs are only to be called if the two players grabbing at the ball are more than a foot apart in height, just because it’s so hilariously unfair.

Rule 65.8.4 (H) If the home team’s crowd is getting too ridiculous and a fan is pissing you off, you are to immediately call a foul on his team’s best player. Try not to laugh.

Rule 76.5.9 (C): If a player has a name 95% of NBA fans won’t recognize, he can be murdered on the court and the foul will still go against the now deceased player, as long as the offender jumps into him while murdering him.

Rule 83.3.2 (D): Technical fouls may be called on any player at any time for any reason (example: “Technical Foul on Chris Paul for dribbling too much”)

Rule 89.9.3 (F): When in doubt, call something in favor of the Heat. If the Heat aren’t playing that night, call something against the team that is the bigger threat to them.

Rule 95.7.8 (I): “Apologies” are to be issued if enough people in the media complain about a significant call. But the results of the call will always remain the same, regardless.

(Note: Unless it’s against the Heat, of course.)

Rule 97.3.2 (B): If you ever aren’t sure what to call, just combine fouls together. People might not know what a traveltending is, but at least it sounds official.

So there you go, there’s a look at why NBA refs are so crazy. Before you go throwing things at your TV over a call by the refs, check the rules first. Then throw stuff at your TV. Just don’t throw a beer. That’s wasteful.