Adrian Peterson wants middle school athletes to “get paid”


Vikings RB Adrian Peterson wants school boards across the country to pay student athletes, and treat them as employees of the school. No, we aren’t talking about college. Think younger. A lot younger. Peterson wants middle schools to start paying their student athletes. Yes, middle school. They aren’t old enough to drive or work legally, but Peterson thinks they need to be paid. He thinks the money will only help the players to pay for the things they need and help them handle middle school life.

“Yeah man, I mean, they need money for spinners for their bikes, those new Jordans, gold iPhones, and so they can pop bottles at the club,” Peterson said. “You know, the boys and girls club. That joint is jumpin. Especially when you bring out the Wild Cherry Pepsi. Then it gets really crazy. But I don’t think it’s fair that these guys work and sweat a good 5 hours a week without some sort of compensation. I mean, what do they think football is? Some sort of game? This is a serious business.”


An obvious necessity for middle school life

Adrian isn’t alone in his quest. Another supporter of this idea is Cardinals CB Antonio Cromartie (yes, he’s a Cardinal now, sounds weird doesn’t it?), who has approximately of 46 kids in middle school currently. “After watching what Northwestern has done, we’ve actually considered forming our own union,” Cromartie said. “My number of kids alone qualify for the size requirement to form a union, so even if no one else wants to get on board, we’ll do it ourselves. Middle school power!”


Dinner at the Cromartie house gets a little crowded

Meanwhile, Peterson says he has the player’s best interests in mind. “I just want the kids to be treated right,” Peterson said. “These kids are like slaves, having to go to school AND practice every day. Who would willingly opt to do such a thing? They need to be compensated. Why we’ve waited this long to pay our middle schoolers, I’ll never know, but action is definitely needed. Before you know it, they’ll just want to focus on school and not play football. Is that really a world we want to live in?”

Word has already begun to spread. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford left us an unsolicited message regarding Peterson’s thoughts on this subject. Here is a summary of Mr. Ford’s comments, as best we could understand them: “(Thanks) for bringing this (really really important) subject to light Mr. Peterson, you are a (kind, generous, and thoughtful man). You can go back to your (grueling) “don’t end up like CJ2k” workouts now. I wish you nothing but (the best).” Mr. Ford is a very (kind and sweet) man.

Will Peterson be successful in his quest to fix middle school sports? Who knows. Maybe he should tear the kids’ ACL’s first. He certainly knows how to be successful fixing that.

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