SOURCE: Adrian Peterson says the Vikings are bullying him too


Everyone’s heard by now of the Richie Incognito/Jonathan Martin “bullying” story, because there’s nothing we all love more than hearing about off the field “drama” than actual sports, right? Right? Hello? Wait…come back! Well…crap. For the 5 of you still paying attention, it turns out that Jonathan Martin’s not the only one getting “bullied.” According to a source, Adrian Peterson has complained to the NFL that the Vikings are bullying him too. But this is different. It’s not a particular person doing it, it’s the actual team.

Peterson has complained to the NFL that the Vikings are bullying him by continually forcing him to play with such awful quarterbacks. “Do you understand what it’s like to have to come to work everyday and be forced to work with these guys that set the quarterback position back 20 years? It’s so incredibly traumatizing,” Peterson told our source. “I cry myself to sleep every night. Have you seen who I’ve had as my quarterbacks? There’s a reason I’ve been in and out of therapy ever since they drafted me. Enough is enough.”

Tarvaris Jackson. Kelly Holcomb. Brooks Bollinger. Gus Frerotte. The corpse of Brett Favre. Bounce pass master Donovan McNabb. Joe “I was such a good QB they converted me to wide receiver” Webb. Christian Ponder. Matt “I think they replaced my brain with a baked potato” Cassel. Josh “Tebow has a better completion percentage than I do” Freeman. These 10 men have started games at quarterback for the Vikings since Adrian Peterson was drafted. Poor Adrian. Do you understand how serious bullying is now?

“When they signed Josh Freeman, that’s when I finally snapped. The guy tried tossing me a pen and ended up throwing it 5 feet over my head. I was standing right next to him! Thankfully they’ve gone back to Ponder but I just can’t take this anymore,” said a clearly overly emotional Peterson. “This isn’t a healthy working environment. Something has to change. I’d like to thank Jonathan Martin for having the courage to come forward, because now I can too. This hurts way more than when I tore my ACL and MCL.”


What do others think of the bullying situation in Minnesota?

“Why do you think I wanted the hell out of there? It’s giving me a headache just thinking about it,” said Seahawks WR Percy Harvin, who may or may not be out 6 more weeks now.

“I don’t know if I should say anything because if I do they could go out and sign Vince Young or something. This…is…so…hard. I miss you Aaron! I’m so sorry. Baby come back,” said a sniffling Greg Jennings.

“The Vikings bullying doesn’t stop with the quarterbacks. Look at who they’re making ME playing with. Who the hell even are these guys?” asked a curious Jared Allen.

“In high school I had my head dunked in a toilet every day, was called every insensitive thing you could think of, even had a teacher pull down my pants and spank me in class for getting a wrong answer. That was nothing compared to having to cheer for this team. They’re bullies,” remarked a clearly emotionally scarred Vikings fan.

“You can complain about bad quarterbacks as bullying? Damn! Why didn’t I think of that?” asked a frustrated Browns fan.


Between Jonathan Martin and Adrian Peterson, one thing is for sure: this bullying stuff is serious business. Now give us your lunch money.

One Comment

  1. Andre Winters


    OMFG Too funny!

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