REPORT: Alabama fans unhappy at “only” being ranked #1


After a 38-17 tubthumping of LSU, Alabama staked their claim to hold on to #1, despite what many drunk asses in Tallahassee, Florida have to say about it. But, Florida State fans aren’t the only ones unhappy about Alabama being #1…so is Alabama. According to a report, many Alabama fans can’t believe they’re “only” ranked #1, and feel they deserve to be ranked higher. One fan who may or may not have had a little too much PBR: “#1? WTF!!!! We’re gettin screwed! We’re much better than that! ROLL TIDE!”

This guy is another example of why you should stay in school, kids. But listen to what other Alabama fans have to say. “I’ve been doing 7th grade Math for a long time now and I feel like I’m an expert at this,” said passionate Alabama fan Cletus Spuckler, an 8-year-veteran of the 7th grade. “According to my calcalations, if we’re to be ranked higher than another team, we should be at a really big number, not number 1. So…what’s the biggest number there is? 43? Yeah. We should be 43 cuz 43 be greater than 1 y’all. Roll Tide.”

He’s got a point, 43 is greater than 1. Or does he? “Don’t listen to Cletus, he’s an idiot,” said Cletus’ frustrated girlfriend Emily, who just so also happens to be his sister. “Momma didn’t raise us to talk like no fool. 43 is not the biggest number there is, there’s way bigger numbers. Like 8. 4+3 is only 7, which is littler than 8. So by my expert math we should be #9, nothing’s bigger than that. WE’RE #9 Y’ALL! ROLL TIDE!” She makes a persuasive case. And people say Alabama fans are uneducated. Sheesh.

But do you see why the BCS has so much trouble? Not only can people not decide what the best teams are, they can’t even decide what the best NUMBERS are. So is Alabama #1? Or #43? Or #9? Or #Z? “Oh crap Z’s a pretty big number we may have to re-calculate this. Just when i thought I knew Math too. Roll Tide,” said Cletus, obviously frustrated over the thought of a potential 9th year in 7th grade. But it’s not all bad, his girlfriend/sister says Alabama is #9. See? It all works out in the end. Roll Tide.

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