Pent Up Astros Unload All Over M’s


SEATTLE – Astros hitters have been making contact with balls less frequently than the Kardashians.  It left them feeling blue, eagerly anticipating another chance to perform.  Then a new suitor arrived by the name of Brandon Maurer, a similarly inexperienced pitcher for the Mariners.  It was a sloppy rendezvous with inevitable results.

Like most young men, Houston’s offense wasted no time unloading all over the playing surface.  Once they finally scored, they wanted to score again and again and again.  There was no protection for the Mariners from Houston’s big sticks.  A big first inning, however, was just the tip of what was to come.  “We were ready to go all night,“ said Houston’s Justin Maxwell, “It was just like our parties at (the University of) Maryland.  We all just took turns bangin’ away out there.”  There was definitely a sense of relief that they didn’t leave a mess on their own hands for once.  The Mariners, however, were left unsatisfied.

“Obviously, we anticipating starting off slowly and feeling each other out before building to an impassioned finish,” a disappointed Seattle outfielder Jason Bay told reporters afterward.  “There a lot of pressure knowing you’re a part of someone’s first time going off like that.”

Unlike their previous efforts, there would be no need to come from behind on this day.  After their early explosions, though, Houston could not keep up the pace.  They appeared sweaty, tired and disinterested.  After taking a pounding, the Mariners were left to finish themselves off while the Astros were clearly eager to move on.  The night ended with Houston manager Bo Porter leaving cab fare on home plate for Seattle manager Eric Wedge.

After prematurely going off for 47 home runs in Spring Training, Astros bats had been suffering from projectile dysfunction early in their inaugural season in the American League.  Second baseman Jose Altuve admitted they’re still trying to overcome the trauma of past encounters.  “We had plenty of performance issues last year that we just can’t seem to put behind us.”  Altuve spoke specifically about a night in St Louis when they were particularly soft: “It got so bad that we would nearly vomit at the mere site of Busch.”

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