REPORT: Heat fans can’t decide which NFL team to root for


It’s been a wild year in the NFL this year: it’s been rough on the players with all the crazy injuries (if someone’s arm just randomly fell off, no one would even be surprised at this point). But it’s been especially rough on bandwagon fans. And as studies have shown, 94.7% of all bandwagon fans are Heat fans, so we’re all just going to call them “Heat fans.” According to a report, Heat fans have absolutely no clue which NFL team to root for this year. Denver looked like the one for a while, but now they’re really not sure.

They’re almost convinced that the Ravens won’t be back in the playoffs, but they’re so paranoid that they can’t bring themselves to return their Anquan Boldin, Ray Lewis, or Ed Reed jerseys. They think all 3 are still playing really well for the Ravens and don’t want to risk giving up on them too soon. “I love that Boldin guy, he’s been really valuable for Flacco this year,” said Joe Smith, a Heat fan who admitted he hasn’t watched a single game live and isn’t sure if he’s even watching the right season of games.

“But I’ve heard the Ravens are struggling, so I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll switch to the Falcons, they also look really good this year,” said Joe, who probably has bigger problems than what team to switch to. Mary Jane was a little more with it: “Who should I pick? KC?  Denver? Indy? New Orleans? SF? Seattle? Ugh, it’s so confusing, I’ve bought so many jerseys. And this isn’t even mentioning teams like the Pats, Bengals, Bears, Cowboys, etc and it makes me so depressed. It’s tough. The struggle is real.”

Yes, there’s a lot more to bandwagoning than just celebrating titles with new teams every couple of months,  they’re actually very deep and dark people that hate the world and like to go to Denny’s and just sit there and drink coffee. They’ve thought about cutting themselves and listening to Fallout Boy, but then they heard that wasn’t cool. It’s rough for a Heat fan, think about how much money they spend at the store to replacing their “team’s” gear? You’d be depressed too. The struggle really is real.

What about just picking one team and sticking with them like 90% of real sports fans? “Are you kidding? I hate losing. I give up on the Heat for a while after every time they lose. My teams should never lose ever. It’s the way sports are meant to be,” said Heat fan Chris Jones, who admitted he left Game 6 of the Finals and didn’t even come back, but then later celebrated the title. “LeBron and Wayne Wade and Craig Bosh should never lose. Do you think Craig came here to lose? No. I don’t want to either.” Exactly.

So they hate trying to pick a team but also hate losing, they’re just filled with hate. No wonder they love the word “hater” so much. Poor Heat fans. It’s a rough life for them.

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