Browns name beer vendor starting QB and make a surprising trade


“We think we’ve found our QB of the future.” These are words Cleveland Browns fans have heard so many times, that they’ve lost all meaning. Well, you can add one more time to that number, raising it to about 67 in the past decade. On Wednesday the Browns changed QBs yet again, deciding that Brandon Weeden’s “thumb” or arm or brain or whatever they want to say is “injured” was too much of an issue for him to play against the Vikings. But it gets juicier than that. This wasn’t just any old Cleveland Brown QB switch, this was a very unusual one.

The Browns named the beer vendor that works in Section 308 of their stadium, First Energy Stadium (the only time the word First and Browns go together), the team’s starting QB. “We really like his arm,” Browns coach Rob Chudzinski said. “He’s always right on the money when he tosses beer to our fans. We haven’t had a QB with that kind of accuracy in years. Sure he weighs like 280 pounds, but that also gives us an extra blocker on running plays. There’s nothing but upside here. We think we’ve found our QB of the future.” There’s those words again.

As is usually the case when the Browns make a QB change, the players seem optimistic about it. “When I heard the name Brian Hoyer I was like oh god here we go again, some random scrub getting his 17th chance to “surprise” someone,” RB Trent Richardson said. “But when I found out Brian was really Brian the beer vendor from Section 308, I was stoked. I love that guy, he always gets me wasted after home games, now we can do that every day. Plus he’s fatter than JaMarcus Russell so I finally have a lead blocker. This is gre…wait what? They traded me to Colts? SERIOUSLY?!? Hahahahaha yessssssss see ya later losers!!!!”

Well then, there’s something no one saw coming. But what does Brian’s offensive coordinator think about the change? “You do realize I was just working with Philip Rivers and Brandon Weeden, right? They could name my mother in law starting QB and I’d be excited about the improvement in talent,” Norv Turner said. “Brian’s great. Sure he’ll probably be winded every other play, but we can just fake a few injuries to make up for our lack of timeouts. Plus we only need 3 plays before we punt anyway. Especially with Richardson gone now. What idiot thought of that idea? At any rate, that’s not too much to ask.” He’s got a point there.

So maybe Brian Hoyer will finally be that QB of the future the team has been looking for. Or maybe he’ll help them #BlowForBridgewater so that they can ruin Teddy Bridgewater’s life by drafting him in April. Or he’ll win just enough to screw up both possibilities. That’s probably the most likely result. It is Cleveland after all, screwing up everything is what they do. See also: trading 3 draft picks to trade up to draft Trent Richardson #3 overall and trading him to the Colts for a much lower first round pick a little over a year later.


  1. Beth


    So is it section 208 or 308??

    • Michael Saggio


      Well given that he’s wearing a STL hat I’m pretty sure it’s more like 308 miles away from both sections

      • He sells beer there but is a fan of other teams. Wouldn’t you be?

    • It’s 308, that was just a typo.

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