Big Papi linked to Biogenesis? (GIF)


(Phone ringing)

Red Sox clubhouse attendant: Hello.

Caller: Is Mr Papi available?

Red Sox clubhouse attendant: Yes. Please hold.


David Ortiz: This is Papi.

Caller: Mr Ortiz, this is Commissioner Selig.

Ortiz: Hola, Commissioner. Can I call you back. We’re a little busy right now playing the Orioles.

Commissioner Selig: I’m sure you’re incredibly busy sitting on the bench and not playing defense, but this is important. Your name has come up in the Biogenesis case.

Ortiz: What?!? That’s impossible. I promise you, Commissioner, that the only thing I inject is tequila.

Selig: You might want to check where you get your tequila from then, young man, because you’re in some serious trouble.

Ortiz: Aye, carumba! This can’t be happening. I just became the greatest designated hitter of all time. This would not only ruin my career, but end my chance of getting into the Hall of Fame.

Selig: Well, son, maybe we can work out a deal. Have you ever seen the movie Indecent Proposal?

Ortiz: Didn’t that star that old stripper who eventually married the young doofus from the camera commercials?

Selig: Yes. I will strike your name from the record entirely for one night with your wife.

Ortiz: That’s ridiculous.

Selig: You send that hot little number over to my office so I can introduce her to Little Bud, then this will all be behind you.

Ortiz: I…I can’t. No, I’ll fight this the right way & clear my name.

Selig: Like Ryan Braun did?

Ortiz: Hold on. Let me get my cell phone & call my wife.


Ortiz: This is horrible. Not only will she not spend the night with you, she’s threatening me with divorce for even suggesting it. These false accusations are ruining me. Commissioner Selig, won’t you please reconsider? Don’t ruin my career AND my marriage.

Selig: Ha! This isn’t really Bud Selig. It’s Edgar Martinez.


Selig Edgar Martinez: I’m the best designated hitter of all time and don’t you forget it, you big dumb oaf.


GIF courtesy CBS @EyeOnBaseball

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