Yankees spending big money, get some while you can


In much the same way an overweight person responds to loss by binge eating, the overspending New York Yankees have taken to binge spending.  Placed in a position they are unfamiliar with (losing one of their own despite making a lucrative offer), they responded by doing what they do better than anybody: throwing piles of money at anyone not currently under contract. In fact, if you check your voice mail, there’s probably a message from GM Brian Cashman offering you a 10 year deal. Hurry, go check.

But the Yankees worst fears came true when they were outbid for the services of homegrown second baseman Robinson Cano. Agent Jay-Z shrewdly negotiated a 10-year, $240 million deal with Ninetendo, owner of the Seattle Mariners, which also guarantees Cano will be featured on the cover of next year’s Wii U exclusive game “MLB Front Office Mismanager 2014”.

Before Cano’s deal in the Pacific Northwest became official, Hal Steinbrenner saw the writing on the wall, so he put the writing in his checkbook. It began with bringing in former Atlanta Braves catcher and Knight Templar of Baseball’s Unwritten Rules Brian McCann.  Kelly Johnson and Hiruki Kuroda would follow, but the biggest coup would be stealing away a player from their hated rival in Boston. In their despair over the imminent departure of Cano, however, it wasn’t the guy they thought they were getting.

General Manager Brian Cashman explained, “We were very excited to spend a mere $153 million over 7 years to sign the Red Sox’ Dustin Pedroia. What a bargain! Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after the contract was signed that we realized it was actually Jacoby Ellsbury. Honestly, with all those hideous beards in Boston’s lineup, we couldn’t tell any of them apart.”

Brian then took some time to reflect over the work he had accomplished this off-season:


Very impressive, Mr. Cashman.

Meanwhile, Steinbrenner was resigned to sitting at home on his couch and drinking heavily. That’s when he dug between the cushions and found the $45 million needed to sign outfielder Carlos Beltran.

Not content there, though, management has at least one even bigger expenditure to come.  In light of the loss of their superstar second baseman, they have unveiled plans to renovate Yankee Stadium. Here is what they expect The House That Cano Abandoned will look like on opening night in April:


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  1. Pingback: Yankees spending big money, get some while you can | SD Yankee Report

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