Ryan Braun “apologizes” for the events of the past few years

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: August 23, 2013

Ryan Braun finally decided to apologize for being such a scumbag for such a long time. He didn’t actually talk to the media of course (he’s still too scared to do that), he hid behind the team, who released the apology on his behalf. Here is the transcript of it:

“I’d like to apologize for the events of the past few years. I am really, really, really sorry that I got caught. If I could go back and find a way to not get caught, I absolutely would do that. It was a huge mistake getting caught and it only compounded and made things worse for me, my teammates, and many others.

But I don’t have a time machine. How was I supposed to know A-Rod was going to be such a rat? You can’t blame me for not knowing that. I thought sure he’d keep his mouth shut. But I forgot the only person A-Rod cares about is himself. That’s my mistake, I’m sorry for not remembering how self-centered Alex Rodriguez is.

As far as the urine collector goes, who would’ve known anyone would care about a urine collector? He collects pee for a living. That’s like being a garbage man or playing for the Houston Astros. I figured he’d be ashamed to exist and would just run away hiding. I’m sorry some of you care so much about a piss man.

I’d like to also apologize to those that were stupid enough to believe my lies. I could barely tell them with a straight face, yet all of you were so convinced I was telling the truth. How stupid can you be? You think urine magically changes form sitting in a refrigerator over a weekend? Come on now, honestly.

By coming forward and apologizing for everyone else’s stupidity, I know I’ve done the right thing. I’ve forgiven you for being stupid, I hope you can forgive yourselves.”