Facing another suspension, Brewers OF Ryan Braun explains himself


Just when people were starting to forget about Brewers OF Ryan Braun and his magic urine, suddenly he’s facing new potentially damaging charges from the Biogenesis lab in Miami. He could be facing a 100 game suspension. But of course, like everything else, he has a defense for this. If there were gold gloves for lying or being delirious, he’d have 12 of them by now. The best part is that those trophies couldn’t be taken away by his use of performance enhancers.

Ryan Braun explains himself: “First of all, I had no idea I was taking steroids. The bottle I was taking pills from only said ROIDS. That’s it. There was no explanation of anything else on the bottle. So I thought great, these pills will help my hemorrhoid problems. Awesome.” Apparently he needs to learn how to spell as well. But like the steroid use, he’s certainly not alone there. Of course, knowing Braun, he’ll blame it on “mishandled education” by his teachers in school.

Braun continues, “Then I started playing better and better. I’m thinking wow, these hemorrhoid pills are GREAT! I just thought it would help me sit more comfortably. Wow, I should get more. So I did. Then I won an MVP. When I tested positive in 2011, I was sure the urine collector set me up. I mean I only took hemorrhoid pills. I’m clearly innocent. My successful appeal proved as much.” Or it proved people avoid huge charges on insane technicalities. One or the other.

Braun wasn’t done: “So I went back to taking my hemorrhoid pills. I thought everything was fine. Now this has come up. Have you seen this shady character? How can you believe a word he’s saying, he’s a criminal! He’s not a regular person like me, so he’s clearly lying. Regular people don’t lie, only criminals lie. Also, this “list” he has was written in pencil. There are eraser marks on it. How can you take that seriously? Would an honest person ever use an eraser on a pencil? I don’t think so.”

If this were an elderly person talking like this, he’d already be put in a retirement home. Or in a place with padded walls. Or both. But this is a professional athlete. We expect this out of them. Braun saved his best excuse for last. “If it turns out all of this is true, there’s no way they can find me guilty. How was I supposed to know a steroid clinic supplied steroids?” How indeed. He could always say Tony Bosch “misremembered.” It worked for Roger Clemens.

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