Urine collector sues Ryan Braun for calling him a “Cubs fan”

By NOTMLBTonight
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Updated: August 19, 2013

Dino Laurenzi Jr., the man who collected the urine of Ryan Braun on behalf of MLB’s drug testing program, was labeled an “anti-Semitic Cubs fan” by the Brewers slugger. Laurenzi has now filed a defamation lawsuit against Braun, insisting that he is “in-a no way, shape or form a fan of-a da Chicago Cubs.”

Dino Laurenzi Jr.
(visual approximation)

“While I admit-a that I am-a no fan of-a da Jews,” Laurenzi told reporters, “that does not-a mean that I have-a tainted Braun’s urine sample in any way. He has-a da steroids in his pee….and-a da Devil. He has-a da Devil in his dirty Jewish pee and he’s-a roid raging.”

Braun passed his story along to a number of other top MLB players as a means to gain sympathy for his adamant denials against allegations of use of performance enhancing drugs. Many of those players are now expressing a sense of betrayal. “It really hurts to be taken advantage of like that,” said Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. “When Ryan told me the man who collected his urine sample was a Cubs fan, his whole story became so believable. I felt disgusted and sad for America. I believed it showed that, while this nation has come a long way, we still have a quite a ways to go. I’m relieved to know now that there is at least one fewer Cubs fan in this world.”

Abraham H. Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, commented on the lawsuit: “We here at the ADL are disappointed to hear anyone wrongly accused of being a Cubs fan and we vow to support the legal action by any means necessary. We will not rest until those who make such wild, heartless and damning accusations are brought to justice.”

Laurenzi is grateful for the support. “I’m-a just trying to put-a my life back-a together. The last thing-a anyone wants-a to be called is a Cubs fan. My friends and-a co-workers don’t-a look at me da same anymore. I can’t-a even get served at-a my favorite pizza place. Mama mia!”

Laurenzi’s lawyers are quite confident in their case: “We believe that we have a very strong case. Winning would prove that our client is not, in fact, a Cubs fan because Cubs fans never win anything.”