Browns officially name Connor Shaw starting QB

The debate is finally over in Cleveland. Brian Hoyer has been taken out back and put out of his misery. The question now is whether that’s actually legal, but that’s for the courts to decide. So with Hoyer out of the picture, you know that only leaves one person, the rookie QB everybody has been waiting to see made officially the man: Connor Shaw.

Wait…CONNOR SHAW? That can’t be right, can it? Someone in the Browns public relations department must be drinking again. After all, this is the same team that said on twitter they drafted Johnny Manziel with the “22th overall pick.” That’s right. 22th.

#ClevelandMath

So this must be some sort of drunken intern mistake, right? Well, it’s not. It’s actually real.

Browns coach Mike Pettine on his decision: “I’m just happy it’s over. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had an entire Gatorade cooler filled with bleach on the sideline in Washington and I was THIS close to drinking the entire thing. Sack. Penalty. Incomplete. Handoff. Punt. Sack. Penalty. Incomplete. Handoff. Punt. Sack. Penalty. Incomplete. Handoff. Punt. AHHHHHHH I was going mad watching this. I mean I know this is the Browns, but my God. I could trot my son’s flag football team out there and be more effective, and he’s 6. And then finally…a miracle happened. Connor did the impossible: he actually completed a pass. To OUR team. ON A HAIL MARY.”

Pettine teared up a little, and continued: “It was just beautiful man. I had to keep myself from running out on the field and kissing him. He saved me from covering myself in gasoline and lighting a match. Sure he didn’t complete the pass, but that only made me love him even more. Any man that can complete a Hail Mary and still find a way to lose the game is born to be a Cleveland Brown. So I’ve named Connor starting QB.”

Pettine then revealed the complete Browns QB depth chart, which you can see below:

The first question from the media was asking about what happened to Brian Hoyer. “I uh…gotta go.” Pettine then darted out of the press conference as fast as possible.

Johnny Manziel then stumbled in the room, clearly intoxicated. “What’s up bitches?!?!” Manziel then took a swig from the nearly empty handle of Jack Daniels. “I’m apparently 3rd string QB? Behind a FATHEAD? Whatever, like I give a f—.” He then started pointing at everyone in the media, “F— you, f— you, you’re cool, f— you, i’m gonna f— you, f— you, I f—ed your mom. Ha. F— it.” He then chugged the end of the handle and threw it against the wall, smashing it into bits. “Ha. Still got it baby. You can all suck my ass.” He then replicated his infamous flick off from MNF, and left.

So Connor Shaw is starting QB, but as usual in Cleveland, there are still more questions than answers. For example, what actually happened to Brian Hoyer?

But like anyone leaving a Browns game would say, at least it’s finally over.

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2 Comments

1. 

   michae l rice

   at

   Connor shaw will give the game of football a 100 % not just too the team and the fans but tothe game he loves so much.its not about the hype, its about the heart, and hes a lion, gether done son, from a true gamecock fan since 1983.

   Reply

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