Entire Boston Bruins Team Sentenced to Death


Boston– Usually, the team that loses in the Stanley Cup Final has a difficult summer. Dealing with the stigma of having been the second-best team in the NHL, teams then have to deal with the loss of players due to retirement or free agency, adding new talent in the draft, and hoping that they still have the chemistry and ability to appease the fans in the next season. This summer, the Boston Bruins will have a difficult time as well, but for entirely different reasons.

This is because the entire team will need to be replaced. Literally.

Due to a clause hidden in the new CBA, the losing team of the Stanley Cup Finals is to “be purged from the annals of National Hockey League lore, to be erased from the history books forthwith, by subsequent termination of the players in a manner deemed efficient and expedient by the Commissioner.”

“I had no idea we negotiated that into the CBA,” Zdeno Chara said, sitting in disbelief in front of his locker as he watched his teammates leave following their Game Six loss to the Blackhawks, which gave the Chicago team their second Stanley Cup in four years. “I thought Don Fehr had our backs!”

“I don’t want to be executed,” Nathan Horton told reports, clinging to his wife and two children. “I have a family to take care of! I’m filing a dispute with the NHLPA!”

While this whole affair sounds like something one would see in Game of Thrones, the tradition of executing the losing team goes back to Aztec times. Sources are still unsure of the manner of execution, but they have confirmed that the judicial process does not apply in this instance, meaning that no outside courts or even Presidential Pardons can save the Boston Bruins.

“I feel bad for them, I really do,” Gary Bettman told reporters after the game before hopping on a flight to New York. “But it’s in the CBA. They should take it up with Don Fehr.”

“I mean, is the loss of life a tragedy? Sure,” Don Fehr replied, sitting inside a luxurious 72-jet Jacuzzi hot tub. “But priorities are priorities. How was I supposed to get this hot tub? Besides, this isn’t so bad. The KHL executes every player that doesn’t make the playoffs in their league. Why do you think players prefer the NHL, hm?”

For now, the players can enjoy at least one day with their loved ones before facing their grim fate. Sources indicated that team officials had already reached out to pending free agents and players eligible for the draft to start the rebuilding process. While all of this seems calloused, such is the reality of the NHL now. Farewell, 2012-13 Boston Bruins. Recquiscat in pace.

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