Bryce Harper suspended 50 games for being on pace for 324 HR

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: April 1, 2013

Washington, D.C.-

Bryce Harper hit 2 HR in his opening day game against the Marlins, counting for both runs in their 2-0 win. Quite a game for Bryce, right? Maybe too great. At least in the eyes of MLB commissioner Bud Selig who has been trying so hard to get steroids out of the game. He saw what Harper was on pace for after today and was shocked. So he’s now suspended Bryce Harper 50 games.

Selig comments on his decision: “THREE HUNDRED TWENTY FOUR? Are you kidding me? How is that even possible? I don’t even know how it could be, I can’t even multiply those kinds of numbers. So I figure he’s GOT to be on something, which means that’s 50 games for Mr. Harper. I take potential cheating VERY seriously.”

After it was pointed out to him that after the 50 game suspension that he’d still be on pace for 224 HR, Selig said “How do you people figure this out? I’ve been commissioner for 10…20…40…oh hell, a long time now and I’ve never even seen this before. Even with McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, etc.”

Bud Selig’s been commissioner 21 years and has never seen opening day on pace numbers before. Seems odd, but are you really surprised? The only thing really surprising is that he didn’t find a way to incorporate home field in the world series into a decision like this. But he’s thought about it.

Selig: “I was thinking I’d permanently take away home field in the World Series to anyone that was on pace for over 100 home runs. That seems fair. I’ll have to put it up to the other owners to vote on though. But that messes with the All Star game and who gets home field. Ugh, this commissioner stuff is so hard.”

Well, it’s hard for HIM anyway. How did Bryce Harper feel about this decision? Harper: “How do I feel about being suspended 50 games? That’s a clown question, bro. Like, seriously, are you a clown? You kind of look like Ronald McDonald. Where’s your nose?” Obviously he’s not happy. And I’m not a clown, bro, give that line a rest already.

Needless to say, it should be interesting to see how the strong the #Natitude is without Bryce Harper in the lineup for 50 games. Or 150 games if Bud Selig panics again. Or life if he REALLY panics again. When it comes to Bud Selig, you really just never know.