Clowney, Bridgewater, Manziel announce they are all going pro in something other than sports


You would expect a trade like Trent Richardson getting shipped to the Colts to have repercussions, and the chips are already falling. No, nobody’s burning anything in Cleveland (yet), the top prospects in college football (and one who thinks he’s a top prospect) have reacted to the news just as drastically. JaDeveon Clowney, Teddy Bridgewater, and Johnny Manziel quickly called a press conference and announced together that after today’s trade, they will be going pro in something other than sports.

Clowney speaks on his decision: “After the trade I realized it would be either Cleveland or Jacksonville for me, and then it hit me that I didn’t really want to play football anyway. Sure it was fun for a while to crush some fools, but this isn’t my true calling in life. I think i’ll go sell insurance. That’s a well respected profession, right? Maybe McDonalds. There’s lots of glitz and glamour for guys that make fries. It’s much safer anyway. Plus I’ve made plenty of money here in South Carolina. Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone.”

Bridgewater on his decision: “I know I’m a junior and don’t have to come out but it doesn’t matter. Cleveland and Jacksonville aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, they could be drafting 1 and 2 for the next decade. I can’t afford to take that chance. I’ll screw around and beat up on some Big East or All American Conference or whatever the hell we’re calling ourselves now, play around in the ACC for a year, and then i’m off to…….well I don’t know. Maybe grad school. If i’m gonna throw away my life at least I can get some more education while I do it.”

Finally, Manziel on his decision. “Huh…what? You’re talking to me? Oh okay. (puts down a bottle of Jack Daniels) Yeah I…what are we talking about? (takes another swig from the bottle of Jack) Oh right football. I kicked Alabama’s ass didn’t I? God I’m so awesome. Wait…this is supposed to be about the NFL? Yeah, screw all that. There is NOWHERE to party in Cleveland or Jacksonville. No thanks. I’ll just go sell some more autographs. God i’m thirsty. (takes another swig) Hey any single ladies at this press conference? Holla at me.”

There you have it. Cleveland trades away the only good player they have just to chase off the chance they have at more good players. And the Jags? Well there’s nothing really even to be said there, is there. Suck and more suck. It’s what these two teams do best.


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