Robinson Cano signs with Mariners, demands trade an hour later

Robinson Cano has agreed to legally rob the Seattle Mariners of $240 million for the next 10 years. The Mariners were so desperate for a bat they started shoving hundred dollar bills down his pants as he walked in the door. But it didn’t take long for the second thoughts to creep in. Barely an hour into being a Mariner, Robinson decided he’d seen enough and wanted out. “I’ve played on little league teams more talented than this. Felix is great and all, but who the hell are these other guys?” Cano asked.

The team wasn’t even sure he was serious at first. They had gone to serious efforts to bring him in, including having Richard Sherman show him the secret adderall stash the Seahawks raid before every game, and a special stadium tribute. One Mariner official, reminding him of that tribute, “We just made it rain money on you at Safeco Field, literally. Did you not enjoy walking out into the stadium having thousands and thousands of hundred dollar bills rain down on you? You can’t be serious.”

Cano reportedly responded, “Hell yeah I’m serious. I didn’t even want to sign this stupid contract but Jay-Z mentioned something about letting me see Beyonce naked. I mean $240 million is one thing, but Beyonce? Naked? I’d play for the Houston Astros for that. Well…probably not, but you get the idea. I want out. Anywhere but Houston. I’ll play for a women’s softball team before I play here.” And people thought Jay-Z would be over his head as a sports agent. Never doubt H to the izz O, V to the izz A.

As the team worked on finding a way to make that happen, they decided to tweet out a warning to twitter:

We aren't able to confirm any news regarding Robinson Cano at this time. If & when an agreement is completed & finalized, we will announce.

— Seattle Mariners (@Mariners) December 6, 2013

They were working the phones, trying to find SOMEONE to take the 2B/criminal off their hands before anyone else like Nelson Cruz robbed them of more money under the guise of “this team might possibly compete for 3rd place in the AL West one day.”

Meanwhile, Jay-Z was enjoying his new found riches, and took to the park to celebrate. He too made it rain.

Only one dollar bills Jay? Pacman Jones makes it rain like that at the strip club every weekend. Come on man. Robinson had previously stated some pretty hefty contract demands that went way way way WAY beyond a mere $240 million (http://notsportscenter.com/ladycano/), and Jay reportedly backed off his Beyonce promise (saying something about not wanting to have to re-write the lyrics to 99 problems)  so no wonder he was unhappy about signing with the triple A-riners.

Other teams weighed in on the big agreement:

-“Wow what a waste of money, and we know a little something about doing that,” said Angels GM Jerry DiPoto.

-“Nicely done, Robinson. I think I’m ready to re-negotiate. It’s been a long time since I signed my deal, a whole 5 months. Excuse me,” said Red Sox 2B Dustin Pedroia.

-“240 million? Damn I need to get back on roids fast. Can someone call A-Rod for me?” asked an anonymous player whose last name may or may not rhyme with lawn.

Will Robinson get his demands or end up stealing money from the Mariners until he qualifies for social security? Stay tuned.

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