Matt Adams: Unfrozen Caveman Baseball Player


In a season littered with rookie success stories, it is a 17,000 year old first baseman who may be stealing the spotlight. Cardinals slugger Matt Adams is swinging a mighty club nowadays, bashing baseballs rather than the skulls of his mates. For Adams, it seems like only yesterday that he was hunting and gathering with friends Gack and Umbukum. It seems that way because it was not long thereafter that Adams – then known as Bompl – was frozen during the Wisconsin Stage (which would explain his girth) of the most recent North American ice age.

A thawed Adams was discovered a couple of years ago under the Gateway Arch in St Louis and taken to Busch Stadium where the Cardinals believed he could be a suitable replacement for the slightly older Albert Pujols. The big man’s transition was not without its struggles, but teammates universally point to one event which marked his emergence as a power hitter.

“We had a team-building cookout at my home before Spring Training,” explained pitcher Chris Carpenter, “where we were hoping to educate Matt on the ‘Cardinal Way’ of whining about every perceived slight and trying to manipulate the umpires and the league into any advantage we can get. Once the barbeque grill was lit, he freaked out. He picked up a nearby rake and smashed the grill all the way into the neighbor’s yard. That’s when we decided to start lighting small fires in the dugout before his at bats. His longest home run came immediately after we lit his shoelaces on fire.”


To his credit, Adams is quite candid about his humble beginnings. “I’m just a caveman. I’m not familiar with your traditions of hitting pelt-covered stones with skinny sticks. I’m easily frightened by your large bowl shaped structures filled with screaming mobs of humans.”

Despite his ancient origins, he was well prepared for one aspect of his current life. “I remember seeing a cave drawing of a red bird making rude gestures to people of other clans. It made no sense at the time, but I know now that it represented the world’s first Cardinals fan.”

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