MLB suspends Yoenis Cespedes 50 games for “whatever he’s on”


Oakland A’s outfielder Yoenis Cespedes put on a quite a show at the Batting Practice Derby Monday night, leading to the now common observation: he’s gotta be juicing, right? This is the same outfielder who before the Derby had not hit a home run since June 21st, but we’ll ignore that part. That’s thinking and logic and we don’t do those kinds of things when forming opinions about steroids. We see the ball go very far and think “yep, he’s cheating.” That’s the new standard MLB applies, and has decided to apply here.

Major League Baseball decided to suspend Yoenis 50 games for “whatever it is he’s on, it has to be illegal.” Odds are that’s not actually a legal suspension under the Collective Bargaining Agreement, but that would require reading the CBA to find that out, and you know the players aren’t going to do that. Bud Selig is making a bold statement with this suspension of a player over the results of an event he invited him to participate in: he means business. And he’s senile. Extremely senile.

Bud Selig on suspending Yoenis 50 games: “We take cheating very seriously. No one should be able to hit 32 home runs in one night. He must be on some kind of super extreme steroid, and we don’t have time to find a competent urine tester to try to figure out what it is. So he’s been suspended. That’ll teach him.” But what about Bryce Harper, who hit 24 home runs? “I can’t suspend someone like that, he’s just a kid. Boys will be boys. Plus who hasn’t seen 24 home runs in one night?” Right Mr. Selig.

The A’s reportedly aren’t all that disappointed with the suspension. After all, this is the same outfielder who was hitting .225 before the derby and has likely wrecked his swing to the point of where he may not contact the ball again all year. A’s manager Bob Melvin: “My wife could get on base more than Yoenis has of late. In fact, I may be batting her 5th after the break. We’ll see.” Remember: in Oakland it’s all about getting on base, or Brad Pitt Billy Beane won’t be happy.

Ironically, Yoenis wasn’t even supposed to be in the Derby until the Blue Jays decided another potential steroid abuser (Jose Bautista) couldn’t go, and now he’s suspended. Thanks Obama.

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