Chicago Bears agree to leave NFL, join Lingerie Football League


Soft. Weak. Pathetic. Useless. You could go on and on and on with the jokes, insults, swears, slurs, etc and it still wouldn’t adequately describe how absolutely terrible the Chicago Bears were against the New England Patriots. Bears fans checked the box score, and their phones and laptops actually started laughing at them. So they regrouped during the bye week, and planned to come out much better against the Packers. And that they did.

You thought they were pathetic in New England, they reached a new level of pathetic in Green Bay. They looked like Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe cloned himself 21 times and created a football team.


Football? Did someone say football? Oh god. *pees himself*

Except that’s probably an insult to Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe.

Aaron Rodgers threw so many TD passes against the Bears, the scorekeeper lost count:

As you see, Rodgers finished with over 2,000 TD passes, and that was really only playing in the first half. And it’s still counting.

It’s clear the Bears are over-matched the NFL level. They’re probably over-matched at the YMCA level. So they think they’ve come up with a solution.They’ve agreed to leave the NFL and join the Lingerie Football League.

Coach Marc Trestman on the move: “I think a league of all women is probably a little more our speed. Those guys in the NFL hit way too hard for our guys. They tackle us and we lose someone for 6-8 weeks. We lose players for the year just celebrating. I was worried we weren’t going to have any healthy bodies left. Plus ask Jay, I know he’d appreciate a softer touch. He fumbles when people give him mean looks.”

Jay Cutler on his team’s new league: “Look whatever, I don’t give a f–k.” He then flicked a cigarette into the group of media in attendance, and continued.


Jay DGAF Cutler speaks to the media

“Seriously. Who cares. Women. Whatever. I like wearing their underwear. But f–k you for asking. Seriously. F–k you. F–k you. And f–k you. You’re cool, but f–k the rest of you. F–k this. I’m out.”

Cutler then shoved the microphone stand over, flicked the room off, and left.

Can the Bears compete in their new league? It remains to be seen. At least they aren’t the softest team in the league anymore.


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