Cleveland Indians: Inside the Madness


“Hello, we’re from the Cleveland Indians. Would you like to play for us? ” Chances are, in the last few days you’ve probably picked up the phone and heard these words. And chances are, like a lot of others, you probably turned them down. You’re so greedy, you know that?

But many didn’t. Jason Giambi. Daisuke Matsuzaka. Brett Myers. Michael Bourn. Jason Bourne. Jason Kidd. Kid N Play. The play 60 kid. Many from this list have joined the Cleveland Indians in the past week, and you’re probably wondering “what the hell were they thinking?”

Well, you don’t say a word like “thinking” when you’re talking about a sports team from Cleveland. That’s a little too advanced. It’s more “See that dart board? it’s got free agent names all over it. Throw a dart at it, let’s see where it lands. Oh you missed the board completely? Just randomly pick one then.”

The darts have landed on some pretty big names recently. If this was 2002. Now they’re more of a “Wow he still PLAYS Major League Baseball? Seriously?” or a “I forgot he even existed, does he still have 4 fully functioning limbs?” kind of names. But hey, this is Cleveland, a town that’s just dying, DYING to be in third place.

In the words of an unnamed Cleveland executive, “Can you imagine if we actually finished in third place? Or above .500? That’d be the greatest thing in Cleveland history!” You live in Cleveland long enough, you forget things like the World Series and NBA Finals actually had Cleveland in them.

But they’re battling. And making progress. And not Pat Shurmur progress, actual progress. Nick Swisher may have only hit over 30 HR once and never hit over .288 in a season, but in Cleveland that’s legendary level. Between Swisher and all the other names, maybe that 3rd place dream could come true this year. Or maybe we’ll be waiting till next year. Again.


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