Chris Paul names Cliff Paul NBPA Secretary of Defense

On Wednesday, Chris Paul was elected president of the NBA player’s union, thankfully putting us one step closer to getting rid of finally getting rid of Derek Fisher. But in the meantime, Chris has been electing cabinet members. Yes, apparently the NBPA President now has a cabinet. The first member of that cabinet is of course, his brother, Cliff Paul. Cliff’s got some impressive experience helping protect people with State Farm, so Chris has named him National Basketball Player’s Association Secretary of Defense.

Cliff’s duties won’t involve anything war related (unless Chris decides the players need oil for gas for all those expensive cars the players drive…so you never know), but rather it will be his job to clean up the mess the players make and protect them from things like all those dangerous gold-digging women out there. For example, Kim Kardashian is married now, but you know when she drops that baby weight she won’t be able to keep herself away from an NBA game, wanting to ditch Kanye for a new NBA player for a few months. She just can’t help herself.

But when a player gets drunk and drives into a light post, it’ll be Cliff Paul’s job to rush to the scene and clean up the mess before anyone notices. When a player “accidentally” ends up with 9 kids by 6 different women, it’ll be Cliff’s job to mix up the paternity tests and award the children to other men. When a player’s urine tests positive for weed or LSD, it’ll be his job to dilute the sample with something like orange juice so the sample will accidentally be “tainted.” And that’s just a small sample of his many duties.

With how NBA players are, he’s going to be busy. Very busy. And like a Good Neighbor, Cliff Paul will be there.

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