SOURCE: Redskins offer defensive coordinator job to Sweet Pea

The Redskins haven’t been able to stop anyone this year, ranking about 73rd in every defensive category that exists, which is pretty impressive considering there are only 32 teams in the NFL. So they’re trying to figure out SOMETHING to do to stop the offense from scoring on them like they were the Kardashian sisters. Recently, the sort of local rival Ravens were on a party bus and WR Jacoby Jones had an incident with a stripper by the name of Sweet Pea (odd that a stripper would be named after a vegetable, but that’s a story for another website) that ended up with her smashing a liquor bottle over Jones’ head, who ended up in the hospital from being such a bloody mess.

According to a source, the Redskins were quite impressed by her ability to shut down Jones so quickly, and offered her a job as defensive coordinator. “She covered him better than anyone on this team has covered any receiver all year,” someone close to the Skins told our source. “Sure, she covered him blood, but we can’t afford to be picky. What we’re doing just isn’t working, we need to change something around here. Plus when we win, the guys won’t even have to go out for strippers, because we’ll already have one on staff. It kills many many birds with one stone.” He’s got a point. Imagine someone trying to drive for the game winner and their DC is on the sideline twerking? Genius, as long as it doesn’t lead to Miley Cyrus getting a job in the NFL. No one wants that.

But the Redskins may have stumbled on a completely innovative way of coaching. Normally coaches have a hard time getting their players to actually listen to them, if the Redskins manage to hire Sweet Pea, they’ll have players throwing money at theirs. Plus, just imagine the talk in the locker room. “Ooooh honey show me that blitz package again. I love the way you cover that slot receiver. So sexy. I’ll be your dime back anytime baby.” Throw a 60,000 page playbook at them with Sweet Pea as the coach and they’ll have that bad boy memorized from cover to cover. Plus imagine how good Hard Knocks: training camp with the Redskins would be? Everyone wins.

If the Redskins can pull this off, soon a bunch of guys in the NFL and the media will be singing about how they’re “in love with a defensive coordinator.” RGIII’s gonna be heartbroken.

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