REPORT: Cowboys asked Obama to remove December as a month


By now, the Cowboys struggles with the month of December are well documented. It is to them, what periods are to women. They become whiny, hard to deal with and struggle to do what they’re supposed to do. They start yelling at everyone, blaming others for their own problems and bad attitude, and then busting into tears. Women have their time of the month, the Cowboys have their time of the year.

This is what the Cowboys are like after December rolls around:

But the Cowboys think they have a solution. Fire Jerry Jones? Ha…that’s never happening. Even after he dies, he’ll make sure his corpse is running the team. Fire Garrett? But then how could they go 8-8? Naturally, the Cowboys are blaming someone else completely outside of everything for their struggles: President Obama.

“We went 8-8 and missed the playoffs again? Thanks Obama.”

Sort of like that. They’re of the opinion that because Obama has kept December as a month, it’s his fault that they keep struggling through it. So they have a solution. According to a report, they’ve asked Obama to remove the month of December from the calendar completely. That way, when NFL season comes around, they won’t have to worry about playing any December games. But they want to keep 12 months in the calendar, so they want to replace it. The new month’s name? Smarch.

Lousy Smarch weather.

Lousy Smarch weather.

“It’s win-win for everyone,” said one unnamed Cowboys official as he cleaned Jerry Jones glasses. “Everyone will benefit from Sm….oh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiii. Hold on.”

The official stepped out of the room to make a phone call.

Here, reportedly, was the conversation from his side.

“Jerry…I did it again. I’m sorry sir.”

“But can’t I just pop it back in? They’ll work just fine!”

“Please don’t fire me…they’re just glasses.” (audible crying)

“But sir! I need this job to feed my family…how do you expect me to eat?”

“I’ll kiss your feet the way you like, I’ll egg Bill Parcells and Jimmy Johnson’s house, I’ll do whatever you want!”

“PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE” (more crying)

“Okay sir thank you sir. I’ll start turning tricks right away sir.”

Don't screw up Jerry's glasses or you will feel the wrath.

Don’t screw up Jerry’s glasses or you will feel the wrath.

The Cowboys official came back in sniffling, wiped tears from his face. “I’m sorry…where were we? Oh right, Smarch. This works out for everyone. We don’t have to play in December anymore. Plus if we add Smarch we can add St. Spatrick’s Day and have an excuse to get obnoxiously drunk twice a year. That’s good right?” Yes, but what about Christmas? “Oh…crap. Well what matters more? The success of America’s team or the happiness of children? I’m pretty sure we all know the answer to that.”

Yes, yes we do. So after this latest experiment (that doesn’t involve actually trying to improve their team) fails, and they have to face another December filled with Tony Romo interceptions and blown leads, remember: it’s not the Cowboys’ fault. It’s just their time of the year.


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