With 2 wins, Cowboys officially clinch NFC East

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: September 22, 2013

The NFC East used to be a division that was feared. The Giants won multiple Super Bowls, the Eagles were always in the NFC title game, the Redskins well…they…won free agency a lot? Yeah, we’ll go with that. Now the only people that fear it are parents afraid of exposing their children’s eyes to it. Well, someone has to win it (Thanks Obama) so with the Cowboys’ 2nd win today, Roger Goodell determined that they officially clinched the division title (yup, the Cowboys actually won something. Amazing isn’t it?).

“I’ve analyzed the math on the NFC East and I have determined that the entire division is a giant dumpster fire,” Roger Goodell said. “I don’t see how anyone in that division wins more than 2 games, including the Cowboys.” But with the NFC East teams playing each other, won’t they get some wins that way? “If they play each other and continue to be the embarrassment to the league that they are, i’m awarding both teams with losses. None of them really “deserve” to win anyway, so it’s more fair to other more deserving teams,” said Goodell.

What happens if other teams tie with the Cowboys with 2 wins? “By a tiebreaker i just made up, the division will go to the Cowboys no matter who else finishes with 2 wins, so I’ve named them champions. I feel this is in the best interest of our fans, and player safety.” Always. It’s always about player safety. Goodell then passed out “What will an 18 game schedule mean to you?” pamphlets to everyone at the press conference, which again stressed about how it was in the best interest of fans and player safety. He really, really likes that line.

But now that they’ve won the division, Cowboys fans can run out and buy “2013 NFC East Champs” gear and brag to everyone about how winning a division in 3 weeks means they’re “back” and destined to rip off 5 straight Super Bowl titles with Tony Romo, the best QB in NFL history. If there’s anything Cowboy fans know, it’s completely rational thinking like that. They would never say anything that wasn’t completely true. So once more, with feeling this time: HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!