David Stern considering amnestying entire Eastern Conference (except Miami)

David Stern may be facing the biggest challenge of his 30 year career as NBA commissioner: The Eastern Conference playoff picture is lacking playoff teams. Typically, the East has had a full slate of eight seeds, but many executives across the league are worried there will only be two or three, and some fear even worse.
“The Heat,” an unnamed GM said. “They’re the only team that will qualify this season.”

The Heat have been pulverizing their Eastern Conference foes night in and night out, but is it really that impressive when half the conference isn’t entirely sure what a three point goal even looks like? “Isn’t that in hockey? Yeah, I think that’s hockey,” an unnamed member of the Atlanta Hawks said.

For many months, the New York Knicks were looking as though they’d make the post season, but signing a bunch of crippled old ex NBA athletes hasn’t been an effective strategy. A recent study was performed in their locker room and across all fifteen signed players, there were only five healthy knees that could successfully withstand the weight of a human being when standing. The number dropped to three when “running” was introduced.

The Chicago Bulls would be the one true hope, if only their franchise player Derrick Rose had interest in stepping on the court. “I want to be 10,000 percent before I give it a go.” When asked where he was currently, he responded with, “Somewhere around 150 percent, that’s not bad, only 9,850 percent more to go.”

The Indiana Pacers have proved to be a steadfast defensive group. The old adage says “Defense Wins Championships,” but not when the highest total score the team has reached is 49 points in a quadruple overtime marathon shoot out against the Detroit Pistons earlier this season.

Then there’s the Brooklyn Nets who literally had zero fans last season and NBA teams require actual fans to qualify as NBA Playoff contenders. “But this Nets fitted is slammin’, cuz,” a young man said outside the Barclay Center after the Nets squandered a 27 point fourth quarter lead to the Phoenix Suns.

If David Stern were to use his one-time only amnesty, a provision of the new CBA, on the entire Eastern Conference (except Miami), he’d free up over $812 million in cap space which could be used to purchase a small island in the Caribbean for his retirement.

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