Attorneys: Jameis Winston’s accuser is a gold digger


After weeks of speculation off of something TMZ (the go-to source for sports) reported off of a police report that was 11 months old and featured a girl who thought Jameis Winston was between 5’9 and 5’11 and may have had purple polka dotted skin, the case has closed (but hey, let’s speculate some more before the dead horse is officially all blood. Should Winston be allowed to win the Heisman? CLICK HERE: ). There were no charges filed against Winston, much to the chagrin of Ohio State and SEC fans.

Attorneys declined to press charges against Jameis Winston without evidence to back it up. Why should that stop them? Who needs evidence? Who needs due process? Innocent until proven guilty? What does that even mean? We should be able to point at some one and just call them guilty. You could be driving in your car, spot someone you don’t like on the street and yell: “HEY! That guy tried to rob me! Arrest him!” and laugh as he gets trotted off to prison for 20 years for just walking down the street.

But in addition to declining to press charges, they also made a less public announcement about Winston’s accuser. After a thorough investigation, attorneys announced that Jameis Winston’s accuser was in fact a gold digger, because she ain’t messin with no…well, you know. A Florida attorney: “After this was made public the day Winston became the Heisman favorite, our suspicions rose immediately. But we said get down girl, go ahead. After some investigation, it was clear. Seems she was a trifling friend, indeed.”

What does that mean exactly? They continued: “You will see him on TV any given Sunday, win the Super Bowl, drive off in a Hyundai.” A Hyundai? Really? They can’t do any better than that? “Well probably, but we aren’t worried about that. But these are facts we considered when investigating this young lady. Also she allegedly may have a baby by Busta. We aren’t sure who Busta is, but we had to keep that in mind as well. In the end, we were able to officially conclude that this young lady was in fact, a gold digger.”

What does Jameis Winston think about this? Winston: “I’m relieved this is over and I won’t start down the path to becoming the next Antonio Cromartie. That guy pays so many women alimony and child support I think my mom actually collects from him, which is just horrifying and confusing. But I can’t wait to get out there and light up Duke like the join…cigarette i’ll be having after we win the ACC title. I get a salary bonus for winning the ACC title. Oh crap, I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Oh well.”

Sounds like we’ve got another potential scandal! Or we can move on to other Heisman candidates: Is AJ McCarron secretly gay, using Katherine Webb (until she broke up with him: as a cover up? Did a drunk Johnny Manziel knock up a transvestite hooker after doing heroin? Does Marcus Mariota get his speed from being addicted to crack? Is Jordan Lynch somehow related to Michael Jordan? Is Derek Carr REALLY related to David? The possibilities are limitless.

One thing is for sure: if you use the word rape as an extortion weapon instead of what it’s actually intended for, you deserve to get hit by a bus.

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