Police arrest Aaron Hernandez’ dog


After days of questioning and searching, police have finally gotten a major break in the Aaron Hernandez case. Did they arrest him? Of course not. They still need to spend 16 hours analyzing what he had for lunch yesterday and what it means. He had Taco Bell, does that make him a criminal? Lots of criminals like Taco Bell, there’s clearly a connection there. Especially if he got a cool ranch Doritos Locos Taco. That’s got guilty written all over it. But we digress.

As you see in the picture above, Aaron Hernandez has one hell of a dog house. So police went on an exhaustive search, and found what they feel may blow this case wide open. They found a bone with teeth marks on it, like it had been chewed on. Massachusetts policeman on what the bone looked like: “It was horrifying. We’re clearly dealing with some sort of sick cannibal here.” So, they took fairly immediate action (stopped for a few donuts first) and arrested the dog. Yes, his dog.

They aren’t sure what they’re charging him with (Illegal bone possession? Assault and barking?), but they arrested him. Police: “The bone was bad enough but we found bag after bag of marijuana and cocaine inside that house labeled “for Hernandez.” We aren’t sure if they’re for Aaron or the dog, but we decided we had to get the dog off the street before he struck again. The bone we found had been chewed so much that it was down to nothing but raw hide. That is just sick.”

Now that the dog is in custody, what about Aaron? Policeman, “Oh we’re still not sure what we’re doing with him. Everybody destroys their cell phone and surveillance equipment on a regular basis so it’s hard to charge him there. Maybe if he burns his house down we can charge with arson. Probably not though. He’s an NFL player. Would an NFL player commit a crime? I think we both know the answer to that. We’d probably pin it on the dog. Or that suspicious looking carp we found in his lake. We’re gonna interrogate him.”

To recap: Massachusetts police has arrested a dog, plan to interrogate a fish, and have enough evidence to charge Aaron Hernandez with obstruction of justice 43 times. Yet, Aaron continues to walk around a free man, while Massachusetts cops spend record amounts of money at Dunkin Donuts trying to keep their energy up for the 12 hour marathon searches of Aaron’s bathroom. Massachusetts police: the REAL super troopers.

(UPDATE: On Wednesday June 26, the police finally arrested Aaron Hernandez himself. What changed? The police wiped out the supply of every Dunkin Donuts within 100 miles of his house. Massachusetts policeman: “Yup, the fun’s over. Without donuts I guess we have to do our job now. It’s a shame because I was looking forward to watching the NBA Draft from his mancav…I mean searching his basement. Yeah, that’s it. Searching his basement.”)

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