Johnny Manziel named Jack Daniels Drunkass of the Week


The QB everyone loves, hates, or loves to hate, Johnny Manziel was all over the place this past weekend (as usual), racking up over 560 total yards in Texas A&’M’s 49-42 loss to Alabama (including this LOLWTF play: As a result, he’s been rewarded for his outstanding efforts. We’re not talking about anything on the field of course (who wants to do that?), we’re talking off the field, where the REAL magic happens. This weekend, Johnny shotgunned 42 beers, took 23 shots of Jack Daniels, smoked 7 blunts, and did 5 lines of coke. Amazing numbers. In recognition of his performance, Jack Daniels has named Manziel “Drunkass of the week.”

“His dedication to drinking his truly inspiring,” a spokesman from Jack Daniels said. “He just does not care about anything. He’ll drink and drink and drink and feed you some stupid story about being “dehydrated” ( and keep drinking the whole time, and before you know it, he’s leaving with your girl. It truly takes a special kind of drunk to be that obnoxious before playing in a huge game. Most QBs are at home re-reading their playbook the night before a game. Not Johnny. Johnny’s out shotgunning beers, smoking blunts and peeing on cop cars. That’s takes special talent. That’s why we’re proud to name Johnny Drunkass of the Week.”

With awards like this, it’s all about the preparation. Johnny managed to mix business (or “school” as the NCAA would call it) and pleasure with how he prepared for Alabama:

This enabled him to succeed both on and off the field. Sure he threw a pick 6 and an interception in the end zone and without both they probably would’ve won, but you’re not looking at the big picture. You know, yards and stuff. Who wants to “win” when you can throw for tons of yards and be drunk the whole time? Exactly. Johnny’s a true inspiration to the children.

It wasn’t all about Johnny though. The Jack Daniels spokesman wanted us to pass along an additional message as well. “Don’t forget, we want you to drink, and drink a lot. And keep drinking. Why do you think we run 6,000 ads during football? It’s all about drinking. But don’t forget, we want you to drink “responsibly.” Keep that in mind.” So they want you to drink a lot and not drink at all at the same time? Got it. Sounds easy enough. If Johnny Manziel can be drunk and play football, surely we can be drunk and not drunk at the same time.

One Comment

  1. txfooz


    A hero to us all.

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