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SOURCES: Dwight Howard victim of bullying by Jeremy Lin

DwightHowardSad

Several sources within the Rockets franchise have reported multiple instances of behavior that could classify as “bullying” among teammates in the locker room, with Dwight Howard and Jeremy Lin at the center of the controversy. “It’s just normal stuff,” an unnamed Asian point guard on the team said. “Dwight is the new guy. It’s all in good fun. I consider him a friend. And I DEFINITELY consider his sister a friend, if you know what I mean. Wink wink. My boy Richie and I are gonna meet up with her later actually.”

These reports started to trickle in this week after Howard didn’t show up to practice. It is believed Howard removed himself from team activities in fear of Jeremy Lin and his aggressive behavior. Howard, reportedly, received voice mails from Lin all night, one of them stating, “I’m going to defecate large volumes into your mouth among other orifices, Dwight,” and another, “If fornication wasn’t such a mockery of the blessed sacrament of marriage, I would certainly impregnate those you hold dear in your family.”

Both Lin and Howard have denied these reports. “It’s just not true,” Lin said. “Yeah,” Howard agreed, “Like my Master here says, there’s absolutely no truth to any of this.” Lin was seen mouthing the words along with Howard, as if he’d coached him through the whole statement. “Jeremy is a handsome, strong, and dedicated leader. I like washing his underwear and allowing him to give me dick flicks as I walk by. It makes me a….stronger…competitor.” Howard insisted that his tears were tears of joy.

“I’m glad we could put this whole thing behind us,” Lin told reporters as he was shaving a piece of wood into what appeared to be a large paddle. When asked what it was for, Lin replied, “What? Oh this? It’s just a gift for my fraternity brothers at Harvard.” He then flashed a mischievous smile as his eyes darted to Howard. Howard broke down into tears and stormed out of the locker room. “Yeah, you better run, you cotton headed ninny muggins!”

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