After losing, Eagles fans turn Philadelphia into a War Zone


It’s been a crazy year for the Eagles, which is pretty much par for the course since that Y2K thing happened. The year began wondering whether Michael Vick ¬†could hold up as starter (obviously he couldn’t, when his bones are made of glass), whether Riley Cooper should be cut for dropping racist comments (he wasn’t, he didn’t suck enough to justify it), and whether Chip Kelly’s would offense would “revolutionize” the NFL (it didn’t, outside of the nuclear bomb they dropped on the Bears “defense”).

It ended with Napoleon Dynamite Nick Foles leading the league in QB rating and the Eagles winning the NFC East, taking on the “please please don’t make us play outside of New Orleans, we’re begging you” Saints in Round 1 of the playoffs. They fell down 20-7 but rallied back to take the lead late, and everyone thought “hey the Eagles have a chance to get blown out in the 2nd round, that should be fun.” Sadly, it didn’t happen, with Shayne Graham kicking the winning field goal for the Saints.

Then that’s when things really got crazy. The fans that were booing everything from a timeout, to injuries their own team helped cause, to a rumored appearance by Jesus himself, decided to take their anger out on Philadelphia, and as you can see in the pictures above and below, the results weren’t pretty.


Enraged Eagles fans climb into Citizens Bank Park

“It was like World War Z broke out in our city,” said Jason Thompson, a Philadelphia resident who spoke to us after being released from the hospital, having lost an arm in the insanity. “They were burning everything. Citizens Bank Park didn’t survive, but that’s fine because no one cares about the Phillies now anyway.”

It got worse from there. “Wells Fargo Center is gone as well, which is sad because the 76ers looked like they finally had potential,” Thompson said. “But I hope Nerlens Noel escaped, I imagine it must’ve been difficult with the condition his legs are in. Also I think I saw someone or something, it’s hard to tell whether these Eagles fans are even human, eating Michael Vick. Tough way to go, but at least he finally made an Eagles fan happy.”

Enraged Eagles fans on the loose in Philadelphia

Enraged Eagles fans on the loose in Philadelphia

By the end barely anything survived. Riley Cooper hasn’t been seen since, and is missing and presumed scared. Michael Carter-Williams reportedly escaped and hopes he can convince the NCAA to let him return to Syracuse, saying “I should’ve know better than to leave school early for money. What was I thinking?” Ryan Howard supposedly took a swing at some Eagles fans that came after him, but sadly, like it was a postseason game, he missed and didn’t survive. Rest in peace, Ryan.

Police were able to keep the Eagles fans contained in Philadelphia, so at least the madness didn’t spread. They reportedly are still attacking everything in their path as we speak. Will it ever be safe for a sporting event in Philadelphia again? Who knows. Then again, has it really ever been safe?

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