The NFL releases the NFC East division


On Sunday the NFL decided it had finally seen enough. Did they ban tackling and institute flags? No, not yet (that’s coming soon). But 4 weeks into the season, the entire NFC East division has as many wins as the Kansas City Chiefs (4), and Roger Goodell can’t take it anymore. So he released the entire division, and decided to make the NFL a 7 division league. That’s going to complicate matters with conferences, schedules, tiebreakers, playoff teams, etc. but Roger Goodell is never one to make things all that easy.

“I couldn’t face the thought of having one of those teams in our playoffs, and if they were still a division, I’d have to let one in,” Roger Goodell said. “So I made a move that I feel is in the best interests of our fans, and player safety. I just can’t have these 4 teams endangering our players and our fans. Can you imagine the reaction if the Dallas Cowboys actually made the playoffs? The terror alert would be at red forever.” Roger stopped speaking to make a phone call, it apparently been about 30 minutes since he had fined Ndamukong Suh and he didn’t want to miss a scheduled fining.

Roger continued on the Cowboys: “I gave them the NFC East title ( and I really do hope they enjoy their moment in the sun again so they can stop talking about the freakin 90’s already. I heard a local high school league, a YMCA, a seniors bowling league, and a high school powder puff league have all expressed interest in claiming the NFC East off waivers, so not all hope is lost yet.” See NFC East fans? It’s not all bad. Plus, can you imagine a Chip Kelly led bowling team? All of their arms would fall off after about 3 weeks, and that would be pretty crazy to see.

But where does the NFL go from here? “We’ll adjust to only having 3 divisions in the NFC, and I think the best solution is an 18 game season to be honest,” Goodell said. “It’s clear to me that’s the only way to go. It’s what our fans want, and it’s in the best interest of player safety.” Roger really never gives up on those, does he? He’s like a robot (which would make a lot of sense, wouldn’t it?). Roger Safetybot 3000. The non-stop fining machine. Don’t piss him off or he’ll find you and fine you into submission. Just ask James Harrison. Or Ed Reed. Or Jonathan Vilma. Or hundreds of other players.

So, the NFC East is really gone.  Michael Vick can stop pretending he’s a QB, Eli can stop pretending he’s an elite QB, we won’t have to hear about RGIII every 5 seconds, and Cowboys fans have to shut up for good. Maybe Roger Goodell really is making NFL fans happy.

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