REPORT: Eastern Washington to move to #2 behind Alabama

Despite ripping the fangs out of the Clemson Tigers and downgrading the Miami Hurricanes to the Miami Raindrops, Florida State got their biggest win without even playing: Stanford power footballing through Oregon. Surely that means Florida State is safe at #2 now right? As a certain Florida State alum likes to say: “Not so fast my friend.” So if not FSU then who? Stanford? No. Baylor? No. Ohio State? No. Another SEC team that probably lost? Good guess, but no. The Jaguars? No, and like they’d qualify for the BCS.

You could guess 20,000 times and never come up with a right answer (also known as: what Vince Young did on the Wonderlic). According to a report, Eastern Washington (yes, there apparently is a school there with a football team) will be moving to #2 behind Alabama. They do not play in Division I (they’re an FCS school), but the BCS and people who vote for the BCS do not care about things like that. And don’t go using fancy words like “logic” to them. They only care about getting it “right.”

So what is the logic reasoning behind moving an FCS school to #2 in a Division I poll? “It’s simple really,”  said a Harris Poll voter who spends a good solid 45 seconds each week watching actual film. “Oregon was without a doubt the #2 team, right? So we need to move up the team that beat them. But problem is Stanford lost to Utah. But we can’t move up Utah with 4 losses, they lost to Oregon State. Another team named Oregon at #2 makes sense but they lost to Eastern Washington. So Eastern Washington it is.”

Pretty simple, indeed. After this bombshell was dropped, many questions roses from the media for this voter.

The first: “Are you high or just really really stupid?”

Harris Poll voter: “I assure you, I am not high.”

Okay then.

After an awkward pause with some muffled laughter the next question was asked. “Eastern Washington has lost twice, what about the teams that beat them?”

Harris Poll voter: “We’ve put two loss teams in the title game before, why can’t we now? They beat Oregon State who beat Utah who beat Stanford who beat Oregon, therefore they are the #2 team, period. End of story. Can I go now?”

They wouldn’t let him leave, so he continued. “Look, nobody believes in FSU or Ohio State or Baylor. A 37 point win over Clemson in Clemson? Who hasn’t done that? Ohio State hasn’t lost in 2 years? Wooptie freakin doo. Ohio’s not even a real state. And Baylor? Is RGIII still playing there? No? Why are we even talking about them? This system is all about finding the best matchup for an Alabama victory. How are you not aware of this by now? Why do you think we put Notre Dame in there last year? Hello?”

Unable to find any comeback or followup question to that last question, the media looked around, shrugged and left. So there you have it. When you see Eastern Washington at #2, remember: the BCS is all about finding the 2 best teams best matchup to produce an Alabama victory.

And there’s no better way for the BCS to go out than a 98 point Alabama win over Eastern Washington and Nick Saban drinking the EWU’s coach’s blood out of the trophy after the game. Here’s to you BCS, we’re gonna miss you. Roll Tide.

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