Ed Reed fined $250,000 for getting released by the Texans

Ed Reed was not a big fan of the coaching job the Texans did against the Cardinals, and the team showed how much they appreciated his thoughts by cutting his ass as fast as humanly possible. After all, how could he possibly criticize the the defensive staff of a team that can’t stop choking away 2nd half leads? That can’t possibly be their fault, it’s gotta be Matt Schaub’s fault (or Jay Cutler’s. Or Tony Romo’s. Or all of the above. We’ll leave it to First Take to decide.). But the bad news didn’t stop there for Ed Reed.

On Tuesday, Reed found out that the league was fining him $250,000 for getting cut by the Texans. Why? “This is possibly my last chance,” said a depressed Roger Goodell. “I gotta take advantage while I still can, and let’s face it: getting cut by a 2-7 team is pretty embarrassing. He’s lucky it wasn’t more. Last year the money I raised by fining him helped us break ground on the new Roger Goodell International Airport, which will open in 2015.  He and Harrison each have their own terminal named after them.”

Why does Roger Goodell need an International Airport? Couldn’t that money be better used for charity? “Hahahahaha that’s the funniest thing I’ve ev…wait, you’re serious?” asked a confused Goodell. “Look we’re already giving 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the proceeds from the pink NFL merchandise to Breast Cancer foundations, isn’t that enough? These non-profits are so greedy, my god. Try thinking of someone else for a change. Like I do with player safety.” Right.

On Wednesday, Reed slipped through waivers unclaimed and became a free agent. A Houston homeless shelter had reportedly expressed interest, until they learned that he wasn’t actually homeless (he had us all fooled). And yes, Goodell fined him again for going unclaimed. “Not even the JAGUARS want you? That’s just sad, man. That’ll cost you $300,000. I gotta raise enough money to build a new Starbucks in my new airport. Nothing says the NFL is concerned about women like pink merchandise and a Starbucks.”

Goodell never mentioned why he needed his own International Airport, but he did tell us all for the 9,873,243rd time about the benefits of an 18 game schedule and what doubleheaders of Thursday Night Football will mean to the NFL community. Roger Goodell truly does care about the fans. As long as those fans have lots of money.

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