EXCLUSIVE: A note from a Kentucky RA to his residents

When you live on campus in college, Resident Assistants are the bane of your existence. They grew up having their head dunked in a toilet 24/7 in high school and being terrorized by everyone including their own parents, so now they’re here to take it out on you for having the slightest bit of fun while they sit at home playing WOW and wondering what it would be like to touch a real live girl that isn’t made of plastic.

A prime example would be Derek, a resident assistant at UConn:

Meet Derek, the UConn RA who doesn't want your drunkenness interfering with his virginity (pic via @mikemancini) pic.twitter.com/oMUumw5K54

— NOTSportsCenter (@NOTSportsCenter) April 7, 2014

However, it turns out they aren’t all that bad. In an exclusive to NOTSC, we obtained a note from a Kentucky Resident Assistant to his residents on the day of the national championship game with UConn.

Attention residents:

Before I begin, if you aren’t already drunk I’m filing a report on you for stealing…being…hell I don’t know I’ll make up something to punish your lame ass after i force you to chug a handle of Jack. It’s national championship night for God’s sake.

Here are 5 rules for tonight:
1. Get white girl wasted
2. See number 1
3. See number 2
4. See number 3
5. See number 4

As far as watching the game, if you don’t know who the players are (and odds are you don’t if you started watching 2 weeks ago like the rest of us) just scream “Go Harrison” or “Go Randle” and you’ll more than likely be right. Don’t forget that our coach’s name is CALIPARI, not Kelly Perry. He’s not some weird realitive of that singer with the big jugs. Also, if they win, don’t be stupid and buy a 40-0 shirt, those shirts are like Duke’s title hopes: they died many many weeks ago.

Remember, if you’re hooking up with a girl make sure she doesn’t have the same last name or same family members as you. If she does: YOU’RE RELATED DUMBASS. If you want to hook up with cousins you need to take your inbreeding talents to Alabama.

Also, if you have a couch, make sure to hug it and a rub your butt all up in that groove because odds are tonight is the last night you’re ever going to see it. So give your couch the TLC it deserves before you head out tonight, because you’ll probably be the drunk ass that ends up torching it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a blue beer funnel with my name on it. Go Blue!

Will

It’s about to get #Turnt tonight in Lexington. And especially at Derek’s dorm. You might wanna leave town Derek. Before it’s too late.

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