Chiefs OT Eric Fisher signs, immediately retires

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: July 26, 2013

This was a very good offseason for the Chiefs. They replaced the turnover machine Matt Cassel with someone who will actually complete more passes to his team than the other team in Alex Smith. They replaced Romeo Crennel with someone that would actually be allowed to coach a YMCA team in Andy Reid. They have 5 pro bowlers (and had 2 wins last year. Now THAT is impressive.). They drafted an offensive tackle in Eric Fisher first overall who everyone was a big fan of despite coming from a school that sounds like it was made up for a sitcom.

But apparently, the feeling about the team from Eric Fisher was not mutual. Mere hours after signing his contract, Eric got to practice, took one look at the roster and said “screw you guys, I’m going home,” announcing his retirement. He cited a desire to become a professional poker player, and that he would be using his $14.5 million signing bonus as his bankroll. When told the team would fight to recover his signing bonus, Fisher said, “I just went through hours of severe emotional trauma at the thought of being a Kansas City Chief. I have scars that will never heal. I’ll see them in court.”

Anonymous Chiefs spokesman on Eric Fisher’s decision to retire: “It’s really disappointing, but it’s not exactly surprising. The mental trauma of working for this team is quite severe. You can often find team employees curled under desks crying into bottles of bourbon and scarfing down plate after plate of BBQ. Matt Cassel was a bright guy before he came here, now he suffers through PTSD and doesn’t know what 2+2 is. Did you see that pile of crap we trotted out there every week? Even Charlie Weis’ team was better. It’s quite traumatic. We’re praying for something decent this year.”

Poor Chiefs. Just when you think they’ve turned it around…BAM! Eric Fisher retires. Before you know it, Alex Smith will regress into the old Alex “I threw 1 TD pass my rookie season” Smith, Dwayne Bowe will demand a trade, Jamaal Charles will decide to play baseball, and Eric Berry will retire to become a coach at Tennessee. At this point, would any of that be surprising?