Browns trade the rest of their roster for a bottle of Dr. Thunder


First the Browns named a crazy new QB ( and bizarrely traded Trent Richardson a little over a year after trading up to get him in the first place. But they weren’t done there. Still not convinced they would lose to the Jaguars on December 1st, they’ve traded away the rest of their roster, hoping to ensure that 0-16 season they’re looking for (watch them tie 0-0 and both go 0-15-1). What did they get? Draft picks? Other players? Cash? Hookers? None of the above. They got soda.

The Browns traded everyone that was left on the roster to Walmart for a bottle of Cherry Dr. Thunder. Browns GM Mike Lombardi: “I never thought I’d be able to pull off two deals like this in a row. I really think we got great, great value. Have you actually tried Cherry Dr. Thunder? It has that same great Dr. Thunder taste with a kiss of cherry. It’s delicious, and we got over 60 ounces worth. SIXTY! Joe Banner, Rob Chudzinski and myself all think we’ve found our soda of the future, and we will sign it to a long term deal.”

They should probably use the franchise tag on it before it leaves Cleveland like everyone else. What’s the going rate for a franchise soda? Lombardi: “That’s a good question. 100 million over 5? We’ll start there. Also, this should be that last push we need to ensure we draft #1 overall next year. (too bad everyone he wants won’t be there: But we aren’t tanking, I swear. A roster with 0 players on it does not mean we are tanking, I don’t know why people keep saying that.”

What do the former Browns players think of this deal? CB Joe Haden: “It’s great. I’d much rather help 400 pound people waddle through aisles at Walmart than play for the Browns. Plus I bet I can find a great adderall hookup with one of my fellow employees, especially if I can get transferred to Seattle.” LT Joe Thomas: “You have no idea how tiring it is to have to constantly chase down interceptors after spending entire games trying to block guys like JJ Watt. I’d much rather go stock shelves of ripoff food all night.”

Seems to be another win-win trade for both sides, at least in the eyes of the people in the Browns front office. Walmart gets a bunch of new employees to work to death, and the Browns get that soda of the future they’ve apparently been looking for. Maybe they’ll share it with the 5 fans they have left.


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