UF vacates records of all football players not named “Tim Tebow”


A thief, a stalker, a racist, a murderer, an adderall abuser, a pothead, and a deadbeat dad walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve 2008 Gators here.” Cam Newton then steals his laptop, Chris Rainey lurks outside his wife’s window and sends her threatening texts, Riley Cooper calls him a dirty (racist quip), Aaron Hernandez shoots him, Joe Haden runs around strung out and popping pills, and Janoris Jenkins takes a puff from his joint and says “man ya’ll crazy.”

This is just a taste of the “classy” individuals the University of Florida has produced in recent years. With the buzz the Riley Cooper “controversy” has caused, along with the endless string of murders Aaron Hernandez has been charged with, and the fact that a former Gator will likely be arrested while you’re reading this article, the school has decided to take no chances and has taken immediate drastic action to cut ties with their past.

UF has vacated all records of any past football player not named “Tim Tebow.” UF spokesman on the decision: “We can’t afford to be attached to these kinds of lunatics now that other people know they’re lunatics. We’re supposed to be known for our academic prowess, but Percy Harvin’s inability to spell the word half kills that. But…this just makes Tim Tebow all that more impressive. He now played on a team by himself and won 2 national titles and a Heisman. Who else could do that?”

Hear that? That’s the sound of 30 SportsCenter producers quickly preparing 1,000 specials on Tim Tebow’s newest “amazing feat,” and the sound of thousands of american citizens asking what channel Fox Sports 1 is on. 41 members of the 2008 Gator football team have been arrested, even the Mean Machine didn’t have that many criminals. And now, much like everything else in college football in recent years, they’ve disappeared into the abyss and never actually happened, like Reggie Bush.

So now, when the next ex-Gator football player gets arrested (likely in about 30 seconds from now), they can just say “Who? Tim Tebow’s the only person who played football for the University of Florida. We only recruit the highest caliber individuals.” They’ll still get laughed at, and people will still remember, but it’s fun to play make believe, right NCAA? Manti Te’o would certainly agree with that statement (sorry…it was too easy. We’ll try not to do it again. Promise.).

Criminals. Games featuring teams whose records won’t exist 5 years from now. “Unpaid” sweatshop labor. Constant conference shuffling. Lawsuits. College football really has it all.


  1. Crazymike663


    HAHAHA funny stuff

  2. Jim


    Has no one told this idiot Cam Newton didn’t go to UF?

    • Brandon


      He did as a freshman, got kicked out, went to Blinn CC, then went to Auburn. HA! You’re the idiot, Jim.

    • NOTSCWill


      You know what they say assuming does…

Leave a Reply

Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>