ARod’s Witness Relocation Program

He has been seen as disloyal, greedy and narcissistic. Now, he is working on simply not being seen. In the face of severe punishment for alleged use of performance enhancing drugs, Alex Rodriguez is working on a deal with Major League Baseball to roll over on other PED users in exchange for anonymity. MLB would place the former MVP in their own witness relocation program, also known as the Miami Marlins.

ARod attorney Scott Reisinger elaborated on his client’s interests: “Alex is ready for a new chapter in his career and his life. Alex – or Resbaldizo Gilipollas, as he will be known in the future – should fit right in with the Marlins. He would be just another guy striking out and leaving runners stranded on base. Furthermore, he no longer has to worry about performing in October.”

No one is more excited about the potential of a new player to hit South Beach than the local strippers. Each is hoping to hit the ARod lottery and be the latest mistress of the 252 Million Dollar Man. “There ain’t but one performance enhancing drug I care about, baby,” said Cervixen LeTush of Scarlett’s Cabaret. “It be that blue pill. What’s it called? Virginia?” Rodriguez, in turn, is reportedly preparing for his move to Florida by demanding as part of the agreement with MLB that his final paycheck from the Yankees be paid in $1 bills.

If Major League Baseball were to find success in hiding Biogenesis culprits in Miami, they would be quickly expected to follow suit with Melky Cabrera (renamed Sobrevalorado Jornalero), Bartolo Colon (under the name Gordo Tramposo) and Jhonny Peralta (as Johnny Peralta).

When reached for comment, Alex Rodriguez Resbaldizo Gilipollas replied, “no hablo inglés.”

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