Roger Goodell fines God $75,000 for delaying the start of his season


The first game of the NFL season was delayed by weather. Yes, the league planning to have a Super Bowl in New York in February can’t handle a little rain storm in Denver in September. Apparently Roger Goodell was afraid a drop of rain might hit one of the players on the head and cause a concussion and he’s already paid enough lawsuit money as it is. But after 30 minutes or so, the game finally got going. God was seemingly done screwing with the NFL for allowing Ryan Seacrest to be anywhere near a football field.

But Roger Goodell still wasn’t happy. He immediately took action and fined God $75,000 for “illegally delaying the start of my season.” How does he expect God to pay a fine exactly? Goodell: “He’s God, he can figure something out. Besides, he knows the NFL is king over everything, that includes him and his little religious cults. He can’t be putting my players in such danger. He has to learn a lesson: it’s all about player safety. And protecting the shield.” And you thought Roger Goodell couldn’t piss anyone else off.

What was God’s take on this? “First, i’m going to have anyone who insists I helped Tim Tebow delay this game struck by lightning. Enough already. He’s done. Finished. (more on God & Tebow here: Secondly, I can handle paying $75,000, it was worth it after Goodell decided to let Ryan Seacrest on the field. RYAN SEACREST? At an NFL game? Are you kidding me?!?! He’s lucky I didn’t send the seven plagues after him. Don’t tempt me Roger. Keep that “guy” off the field, or else.”

Looks like the battle between Roger Goodell and God could just be beginning. Come on God, can’t you get him removed from office? You’re the king of kings, and all we want is a return to a non-sissified version of football, not American Idolball. That’s all we want and we pray to the lord. Lord: hear our prayer.

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