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Statement from God on Tom Brady’s potential injury

morgan-freeman

On Wednesday Tom Brady left practice walking gingerly, concerned about his left knee, the same one he tore the ACL on thanks to serial career ender Bernard Pollard. It also just so happened to occur on Tim Tebow’s birthday, so conspiracy theorists are suggesting that God is somehow involved in this. God quickly issued a statement denying any involvement, which is below.

“Despite what you all are thinking, I had nothing to do with whatever is wrong with Tom Brady. First off, can we stop bringing me up every single time Tim Tebow’s name comes up? Jesus Christ. (yes, I can say that, he’s my son after all. I’ve said worse to him, trust me.)

But let me say, I would never do something like this. That’s not how I work. For one thing, I have Tom Brady on my fantasy team, and I need a big year out of him so I don’t lose to Buddha again. That guy is always so calm and cool. Hate him. Secondly, I’m done helping Tim Tebow. Yes, done. Why?

I gifted him two national titles where his team didn’t have to face USC either time, a Heisman trophy in a year he lost to any good team he played, a first round selection in the NFL Draft, 3 different job opportunities for a guy with an arm I built out of spare parts I found in the garden of Eden.

So, I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. Long story short, no, I didn’t injure Brady. Oh and Tim, if you’re reading this, can you stop telling EVERYONE about the power of prayer? It’s hard for me to respond to 94 billion prayers from all the people you tell to pray. Just calm it down a little, okay? Thanks.”

2 Comments

  1. Shady

    at

    Kind of out of line here

    • Rose M. Hamilton

      at

      I totally agree with you, Shady I don’t think Brady would say or even think of something this hideous. I’m thinking, this is a bored reporter, trying to get rich off of slamming athletes, mean while they just pose ignorance and extremely obnoxious adds like this to share immature values and disrespectful, misleading guidance to viewers or readers bringing the “power of prayer” in to any news conference that wasn’t respectfully applied to Christ alone isn’t something a quarter back would do .Brady, 24, became the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl. He played an error-free game and led a nine-play, 53- yard drive with no timeouts in the final, heart-pounding second. He clearly does not waste his time on such childish behavor. There was a time, back in the good old days, when Tom was still young and brash and unbridled, he told it to us straight. When the Patriots cut four-time Pro Bowl safety Lawyer Milloy in 2003 because they couldn’t reach an agreement over his cap number, Brady didn’t bother to hide his disgust, declaring he was “surprised as you could possibly be” about the move. Brady, received a tongue-lashing for not touting the party line the way the face of the franchise should.
      Since then, Brady has been maddeningly restrained, leaving us to speculate on how he truly feels.

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