REPORT: Greg Oden’s family thrilled he dunked the ball and survived

By NOTSCWill
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Updated: October 24, 2013

It feels like Greg Oden’s been around since the stone age (and he certainly LOOKS like he’s been around since the stone age), but he’s actually only 25 years old. Seriously. Again, google it. In his first action since ~~fire was discovered~~ 2009, he grabbed a couple boards and…GASP…dunked the ball over a pair of defenders! Amazing! (NEXT ON SPORTSCENTER: Why LeBron deserves all the credit for Oden’s INCREDIBLE dunk.) But arguably, the real amazing thing is that Oden dunked the ball and didn’t shatter anything.

According to a report, his family expected even worse. They were thrilled that he dunked the ball and “didn’t instantly die.” One of Greg Oden’s cousins, who may not actually even be related to him, but it’s not like we’re worried about that: “Look the guy’s knees have to be nothing but dust at this point. And it’s probably not even just his knees. There’s a good chance that if you breathe on him too hard, he’s going to shatter into a 1,000 pieces. The fact that he managed to dunk the ball on two different people and not die is a miracle.”

His mother had similar thoughts: “When he signed with the Heat I didn’t think he’d actually PLAY. That is so dangerous for him. I thought he’d just be riding his way to a ring on the bench, waving a towel, passing water to his teammates, and giving them high fives like Juwan Howard used to. Thank god he’s okay. Let’s go easy on this playing stuff.” Family fears aside, so far so good for Greg Oden. He played 4 minutes, grabbed 2 boards, dunked over a couple Pelicans (not the bird, remember that’s an actual team name now. Yeah…) and most importantly: came out healthy.

Well, unless he tore something while you were reading this, which is entirely possible.