SOURCE: Guan was penalized for slow play due to making Nikes between shots


AUGUSTA, GA – 14-year-old Chinese golfer Tianlang Guan was assessed a one-stroke penalty for slow play Friday. And according to a source, it was due largely to having to make Nike golf shoes for other golfers between shots.

The sport’s latest prodigy spoke briefly after the round.  “I wish I hadn’t been penalized, but it was nice to be able to get a break in between working on the shoes.  It’s the least I’ve worked in a single day since my birthday.  Not my last birthday, but the actual day of my birth.”

Almost immediately following those comments, Guan was shuttled away by a group led by Nike Public Relations Representative Snidely Worthington.  “Back to work, little Tia-….Tian-….Tiananmen….what’s your name?  We’ll just call you Swoosh.  Back to work, little Swoosh,” Mr Worthington said to the aspiring young golfer while flipping him a nickel. “Finish 17 more pairs of shoes tomorrow and I just might double that.”

When pressed for comment, Nike’s P.R. lackey insisted no interviews would be allowed with Guan.  “We don’t have time for Swoosh to talk about this notable experience.  So help me, if Tiger doesn’t have a new pair of shoes to wear tomorrow because of your annoying insistence on reporting facts, we’ll make sure you never step foot in a country club again.”

It’s part of a bold new manufacturing strategy for Nike.  They cut out the middleman by eliminating shipping of materials & finished products overseas to and from their sweatshops.  By encouraging their child labor to also excel at various sports, their labor force will eventually be on site at every major event.  The finished products end up in the hands of their all-important athlete endorsers before the heads of those who made them hit the pillow that night for their 3 hours of sleep.

Despite the penalty, Guan managed to make the cut going into the weekend, though that could be in jeopardy.  PGA officials are reviewing an incident called in by television viewers alleging there was one hole on which the young man was drinking water in between shots and not working on any shoes.

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