Aaron Hernandez shines in return to field with Mean Machine

By NOTSCWill
- Tweet
- Pin It
Updated: August 10, 2013

Aaron Hernandez finally returned to the football field Friday night, putting up huge numbers: 6 receptions, 84 yards and 2 TDs in a 35-21 victory. Wait…what? No, he’s not back on the field with the Patriots, he’s still in jail. His new football team is the Mean Machine. And they’ve been looking for a new deadly weapon (no pun intended) for Paul Crewe and their offense, and think Aaron Hernandez is just the man they’re looking for.

Mean Machine coach Nate Scarborough on the play of Aaron Hernandez: “Man he was just killing them out there. Oh wait…I’m not supposed to say that. He was allegedly killing them out there. Better? I can only imagine how victims he’s going to have this year. Oh damnit…I did it again. I mean he’s just going to murder the oth…crap! Well he’s going to be here a while, I’ll figure out how to describe his lethal…I mean allegedly lethal play.”

Hernandez only played 3 series and scored 2 TDs, so he has the potential to be an unstoppable killing machine for the Mean Machine offense this prison league season. Ugh…now we’re doing it. An ALLEGED unstoppable killing machine. There. Considering the sentence he’s potentially facing, he’s got a chance to go down as the greatest prison league player of all time. Michael Vick put up some big numbers in his two years but he was released.

But that’s if he’s found guilty, and according to his possibly drunk attorney, all the evidence is “circumstantial” against his “innocent” client. Sure it is. We all take guns with us when we go to have a nice friendly chat with our friends, and then attempt to destroy the video tape evidence of the conversation. So “if” he’s found guilty, he can then take a shot at becoming the best prison league player ever. Ugh…he can ALLEGEDLY take a shot at it.

Shoot, this is hard to avoid doing. Our attorney is gonna kill us. At least we can say that with no repercussions. Maybe.